zoegirl8195's Journal

Well, a day and a half has passed but I have yet to figure out what to do with myself. I'm so used to order and structure in my life and being able to put everything I feel into categories. With this there's no way I could possibly ever figure out or dare to categorize it. I told my mom yesterday and she was very understanding about it. My best friend was as well. They both were as kind in their words to me as possible and listened to me and let me cry. Completely opposite of the would be father. I still dont feel that they really get it though. I thank you all on here for your support because I dont think anyone else could help me thru this as much. I have read thru so many blogs and questions; hearing the same thoughts and questions and fears that I have is so reassuring to me. I took the idea that I have seen over and over and named my baby, Jordan Lyn Schmid. It's awful though because I keep thinking that I would have a two month old right now and we'd do this and that. I'd have a crib here and a play pen there and things like that. There are so many things that would be different in my life right now. My mom keeps trying to tell me that so many pregnancies end in miscarriages. I know that she is trying to make me feel better, but that doesnt help. It was still my baby, my little Jordan that I created and conceived. I've wanted a baby for so long and to be surprised that I had one, but that its gone before I can even know... that just is so wrong. It's so unfair that others can have their babies. 12 year old girls can have babies that arent ready for it. Their bodies accept the embryo and the fetus and let it grow and take care of it. I just feel so discieved by my own body. It scares me that it can be so cruel and unkind to itself, to me. I want Jordan back but now I cant do anything, even if I had known I may not have been able to do anything. I am so sorry for those that didnt get to see their baby. I am so so sorry. I think right now that memory is what I am clinging to right now. If I could hug it I would and probably never let go.