Journal

So I feel a little better today than I have been. I think part of the reason is that I am taking myself off of the serquol instead of waiting for my next appt with the dr. He didnt listen to me at all when I told him what my side effects were, and instead upped it... well my side effects were upped to, duh! Sometimes dr.'s can be so agitating. However I am waiting for a call from my digestive doctor to hopefully give me some info on helping my stomach. I couldnt get in today so I scheduled for June 16th. I really hope they can figure out what's wrong. I havenot even eaten today and I feel full and stomach pains that feel like a knife is cutting thru me. I feel like I'm going to throw up but I hate doing that so I'm trying very very ard not to. Of course all this meant I had to take off another day at work, and it's unpaid because I already used up my leave due to my stupid stomach. So now I'm laying on the couch wishing my dog wasn't scratching at the door because I really dont feel like moving to take him out. I have 9 days of work left and then I'm done for the summer. I guess I'm not helping myself out by counting because I'm only becoming more anxious but I want to be done so badly. That's probably one more trigger for my supposed ulcer. Why does it seem like I'm always wishing my life away. Ugh.

Back in October I found out the devastating news that I had a miscarriage at 5 weeks and my ex was actually happy about it. Being that I already suffer from depression my Counselor spoke to my Dr and had my medicine (Cymbalta) increased. It was so awful for me and I just couldnt cope so Thanksgiving weekend I self admitted to a psych ward. There they changed me over to Buproprin and for the first month I was on it I began to feel happy for the first time I can remember in all of my life. That feeling has slowly worn down and I am now at a place where I can keep my moods level better than I could before. Thru the month of February I struggled alot at my job because my boss began to tell me that I was doing the wrong thing the way I was assessing something. This was brought up because I opened my big mouth about something he said, while everyone else said nothing. The rest of my team and other teams I consulted with were doing the same exact thing as I was, but because I said something I ended up in trouble. We had meeting after meeting about it and each time my boss had more of an attitude with me that i was not able to let pass over. I told him how I didnt agree and then a miscommunication over what a statement meant led him to believe I was purposely not doing as he was telling me to. So I then received a letter of insubordination!!!! By mid-March I was physically sick over all this that was happening to the point where I even used up all my leave. I went to the dr. and was told that I most likely had a stomach ulcer and needed to have it checked with a quick in office procedure. I have not done that yet and am still getting sick and unable to eat very much. I instead have been eating tons of bread and bagels because that's about all my stomach will accept. On this diet my weight has blown up and I cannot even fit into the clothes I bought a month ago that were just slightly too big! On top of all this I have finally been able to work out my finances very well until my mother forgot to take out rent money one month and now I'm all screwed up and owe her $1400 bucks. I have been having major issues with my older brother, am trying to find a new job (new career), and am still trying to get my meds settled. I am constantly in pain with my stomach and have recently had several migraines due to my stress level. I have decided that I need to move to another state, several hours away, so that I can start building my own indepence from my family and my mother especially. It appears to be a good time because I am definitely going to be changing careers. I hate that I cannot find a job yet and that I have not been able to travel in order to go house hunting and interviewing. I just want to get a new chance at life and yet my family is being so unsupportive that I'm beginning to feel like it'll just be easier to stay in this same trench. I know it's not a good idea, but with them it's just easier to do. I constantly feel like I'm being told I'm not going to be good enough at changing things and that I'm going to fail and end up running back to them for help. Overall it's like I start to get better and then I'm hit back down, and then I start picking myself up again and everyone tells me I am not allowed to. Sometimes good bye is a second chance. Yet sometimes giving up is just easier.

Well, a day and a half has passed but I have yet to figure out what to do with myself. I'm so used to order and structure in my life and being able to put everything I feel into categories. With this there's no way I could possibly ever figure out or dare to categorize it. I told my mom yesterday and she was very understanding about it. My best friend was as well. They both were as kind in their words to me as possible and listened to me and let me cry. Completely opposite of the would be father. I still dont feel that they really get it though. I thank you all on here for your support because I dont think anyone else could help me thru this as much. I have read thru so many blogs and questions; hearing the same thoughts and questions and fears that I have is so reassuring to me. I took the idea that I have seen over and over and named my baby, Jordan Lyn Schmid. It's awful though because I keep thinking that I would have a two month old right now and we'd do this and that. I'd have a crib here and a play pen there and things like that. There are so many things that would be different in my life right now. My mom keeps trying to tell me that so many pregnancies end in miscarriages. I know that she is trying to make me feel better, but that doesnt help. It was still my baby, my little Jordan that I created and conceived. I've wanted a baby for so long and to be surprised that I had one, but that its gone before I can even know... that just is so wrong. It's so unfair that others can have their babies. 12 year old girls can have babies that arent ready for it. Their bodies accept the embryo and the fetus and let it grow and take care of it. I just feel so discieved by my own body. It scares me that it can be so cruel and unkind to itself, to me. I want Jordan back but now I cant do anything, even if I had known I may not have been able to do anything. I am so sorry for those that didnt get to see their baby. I am so so sorry. I think right now that memory is what I am clinging to right now. If I could hug it I would and probably never let go.