acougar's Journal

I go after what is bad for me. I like the chase. It's more exciting for me to be with people who I have to fight for. Happiness is always on the outskirts, and when it presents itself to me and it could be a potentially good situation, I ignore it or push it away. I like the chase. I like the challenge. I know most of this paradox is because I don't want to settle down. I'm so far from wanting to be settled that it isn't even funny. I'm enjoying the ride completely right now. I am ready for the beginning stages of settling, like having a real job, getting my own place, etc. I told Brandon the other day that "this is it." It's the beginning of the end in a sense, because legitimately, even if grad school is in the future, this is it. Real job. Start life. You're gonna be working the rest of it. This is it. I know that's why I am cherishing the moments now of it just being me and I can do whatever the hell I want. More times than I can count has a smile come on my face knowing I'm not tied down and I have no one to feel responsible for but me. I know my married friends are happy to be in the spot they are in, but that is not me. Hell maybe I will be that old woman who lives next door and yells at the kids in the street and has never been married lol. Maybe my high school self-projection of getting married in my early thirties will indeed be more accurate than I thought. Maybe I knew myself better then that I have the past few years. It's a good feeling to realize again.

Juj also solidified it more tonight when she randomly said I don't need a man lol. I think I hurt someone tonight when I was almost inconsiderately blunt. I know if I were on the receiving end it would of hurt a lot. I know my honesty is sometimes harsh, but I expect it from people right back. Sometimes I think you have to set feelings aside and clearly spell it out. Then there are no questions. I don't know, Grams has been on my mind a lot. I think it's mainly because of my year coming up and losing her was exactly the reason I started back in on heavy using. At the wedding I went to this weekend there were sunflowers, too. Made me think of her more. Losing her made all of us realize you have to say how you feel at all times. I never want to regret things. I don't want to regret not telling someone how I feel or wasting time. There is a lot I wish I could have said to her. I never got the chance to, and nor did I want to show my vulnerability in telling her. I never want to make that mistake again.

I have really wanted to use lately. The markers are tempting at work. It's the damn king size black sharpies. The metal sharpie. My inhalant of choice over everything. My numero uno. I stole those all the time because I would sniff them so much they would dry out. Today I stopped myself from getting high. All I heard was the voice in my head saying "do it, do it, do it, get fucking high right now." The voice was sooooo loud. I literally shook my head to snap me out of the freeze I was in staring at the folder and the marker, and I quickly put another thought in my head to not sniff. I thought "One year, do you really want to fucking throw that all away a couple days before?" And I laughed out loud. Then all I kept thinking was "God, it'd be sooooo good to get sniff again." The urge subsided then.

Big breath of oxygen, exhale. INHALE MARKER, 1.2.3.4. EXHALE, INHALE MARKER 1.2.3.4, EXHALE, 1.2.3. EXHALE. 1.2.3.4. blackout. Vision is gone. Super lightheaded. Eyes rolled back. Barely able to stand. Walk around, high stays a while longer. 

You have just been walked through the envisioned high and method that flashed today with the thought to sniff. I could nearly feel it coursing through my body and veins, rushing through my brain. The thought of it nearly makes me high because I can envision it and the feeling so clearly. I know it's screwed up.

So am I gonna slide again? I know had I sniffed today I would have probably been up to 3 nose bleeds tonight.

What's gonna happen when I just do it? What's gonna happen when I can't fight off the craving? What happens then?

It's times like these that makes me wonder, why do I sniff? I'm not sad, I'm not depressed, I'm not stressed, I'm actually pretty content with things as they are. So why the urge? It's not for attention, Lord knows I have only once told someone I thought sniffed nearly immediately after I did it. No one knows when I do it. No one ever has. I don't get it. I don't understand it. 

I'm throwing myself a party for my anniversary since original plans aren't gonna happen. I hope people understand the weight of the situation beyond the few I know who do. Meh, whatever.

I look at DJ AM's struggle and I get upset. He was sober, he was still fighting his addiction. He was helping other addicts get clean. Then, one random day, he used. And he lost. WTF. Is that my fate?