Journal

Well my blood pressure is down, since my latest increase of meds for that.

Problem is, I am down, too.

I am in a real rut here.  I feel decades older than I am. I am fatter than ever.  I do blame my anti-depressant (Lexapro) for that. I am not eating more, though I should move my body more.

It hurts to move!

Oh and I am in menopause, too, which the doctor says is why I can't lose weight.  I am at that point where I desperately need to get out and move more, but am literally so embarrassed about my weight, that I don't want to leave the house during the day.

I actually walk at night, which is dangerous, but I just can't stand to let people see me right now, let alone answer their nosy questions.

ACK......I almost want to beat the crap out of myself, I am sooooo irritating.

Well I guess that concludes this depressing piece of crap journal entry.

How come I am more interested in giving other people advice, or trying to cheer them up, than myself??? 

After reading someone's post about getting through his HepC tx, and how he was able to work except for one day, during treatment, and he says in hindsight, he probably could have gotten through that day, too...

It made me aware of all the times in my life that I THOUGHT I could not get through something, or feared something ahead of time so much that it was paralyzing.  

And then, I got through it and saw, my FEAR was really the only thing to be afraid of.

I'd say at least 80% of the times I thought something was going to be unbearable, it was actually bearable.

My sister once sent me an article about fear. 

It used the word as an acroynm to explain it.

It was something like this--- F.E.A.R.= False Evidence Appears Real     

( I think it would also be good to say False Emotions Appear Real )

My point is this, we have more strength, power, and courage than we realize...but once we are in a situation that requires it, our inner strength kicks in.It is hard to remember this when we are in the grip of the thing that is scaring us. That's why we like reading how someone else got through it; because we are reminded of what is possible.

  We should also look at our own past, and remember what all we have survived, that at the time seemed insurmountable.

Well, lately I have been spending so much time on the computer, and I get so much support from some so many online friends and support boards, but then I wonder, is this healthy?

Shouldn't I be spending more time with real, live, people, or at least, more time outdoors.......... It is a constant theme with me.   It's just so much easier to share who I am & how I feel with people I don't really know. And yet they know more about me than my family. 

It really is like a parallel universe.

Then again sometimes I feel more secure in person after I have had my self esteem bolstered by my online buddies.   Since my in-person acqaintances only know about the socially acceptable "me", does that make them more superficial than my online "friends", really? Well I am basically just sorting out some thoughts here. I know the answer to part of my question is that I should be spending more time with people instead of my computer. I recently turned 50-- so I guess I am going through a personal mid life crisis of sorts. I am sorting out my priorities and learning more about myself. We women are famous for being caretakers and putting our own priorities on the back burner until one day we realize the little ones are grown and we don't remember who "WE" are.

-Here's to turning 50 and finding myself!