hanson080108's Journal

People keep telling me time will heal.  This week I hit another milestone.  Wednesday's are usually hard days for me since that is the day of the week that I gave birth to Colin.  This Wednesday was the first in 10 wks that I did not cry.  That is a huge step for me.  I think this was the longest period of time that past that I did not shed a tear for my child.  I went an entire week without crying.  That was good then Thursday came and I had a very angry day but still with no crying, then Friday hit and I got some really horrible family news that just literally breaks my heart and the crying began.  Then today started and it was even worse than yesterday for me.  Carl and I decided we would go out and do some Christmas shopping.  I wish I could just let the holidays pass by, but I know I can't because we still are blessed with Tyler and Taylor who depend on us and Carl is like a little kid still when Christmas comes around.  We went to the mall today and as we were shopping I went into every store that I could  think of that might have the perfect gift for my son, but none of the stores did.  Why is it that all of the stores have baby's first xmas and such, but not one store has anything for my child.  I cried and cried all day! I just don't understand why I can't find a gift for my son who is no longer living.  I have looked for angels but I can't seem to find any that fit my needs.  None with two parents and a baby boy angel, none with a family and an angel baby, and none with a mother and son angel or father and son angel.  I just don't understand it.  Maybe I am not looking in the right place, but I don't know where to look.  It was so hard to walk around the mall seeing happy pregnant women and happy mothers pushing strollers, and hearing babies cry.  I didn't even get to hear my child cry.  I hate the fact that I can't do the mother things that everyone else is able to do.  I was suppose to be feeding, changing diapers, and rocking my baby to sleep.  I was suppose to have sleepless nights due to being up breastfeeding.  I just don't understand why God took my son from me.  Am I not good enough to be a mother?  The only thing I wanted for Christmas this year was to get family pictures done so that I could have them and give pictures to Carl's parents and my parents.  Nope plans changed.  Now I have to try to find the perfect thing to help remind me of my stillborn child and I can't seem to do that.  I think the other hardest thing is getting Christmas cards of families. Are people sending them to me to hurt my feelings and say haha look what I have and you don't have?  I feel like just locking myself in my bedroom and never turning on the T.V or computer ever again.  Until something like this happens you never realize how many commercials and adds you see of pregnant people or babies.  I even walked out to my car the other day from work and thought I was safe, but no I got to my car and there was a flyer on my car.  The flyer was for a daycare facility that has just opened.   I almost want to scream to everyone MY CHILD IS GONE can't you see the pain I am in?  I sometimes get tired of trying to put a smile on my face for everyone else.  What about me?  I don't know how I should even feel anymore.  If I am happy for to long then I feel like I'm not being true to Colin, If I'm sad for to long then I feel like I'm not being true to my family and friends for all the blessings I do have in life.  Will someone please tell me how I should feel?  I just don't know anymore.  I hate not being able to share the happines of others good things in their lives.  I just want to be my old self again, but this is a new me.  I know if my child was here, I would be completely different.  I had peace and comfort on Wednesday night, why can't I have peace and comfort today?  Carl and I joked around when I was still pregnant about how he gave me a ring last year and a baby this year, so those would last forever and therefore he wouldn't have to ever buy me another gift.  Little did we know that our pregnancy wouldn't end in joy and we would become a statistic.  I just can't accept the fact that I can't be a mother.  I already had picture frames, a bib, and Christmas socks for Colin.  Why do all the ornaments say babies first xmas?  Don't the darn ornament makers know that some babies pass away and parents would like to have ornaments for their babies too.  Why is it that no one ever says to me, can I see pictures of Colin? I just want my child here in my arms to hug, kiss, love, and comfort.  What did I do in my life to deserve this.  Am I that awful?   I would do anything to be able to hold our child, give my parents and Carl's parents a grandchildren, Tyler and Taylor their baby brother, my family their nephew.  I just can't seem to understand it.   I had so many plans and expectations for him and now I will never really get the chance to ever know or understand my son!  I LOVE YOU ALWAYS AND FOREVER!  R. I. P. COLIN DALLAS.  The sky is shining brighter tonight because of you!  Always remember your family loves you!