missingme1's Journal

I'm really down tonight. not sure what is going on. I saw that my face was blochy and red and I freaked out. I feel fat... I've been working out ever since we got down to new orleans (beacuse that was the first time we've had workout equipment)... my face is blochy and RED. one of the best things about me has been my complexion and now I'm having a breakout all over my face. I'm freaking. out.

I don't know what to do.  I know I need help but I don't know where to get it or what to do. God bless my dear husband... but he's clueless too. I just need someone to take my hand and walk me though the steps of what to do. I can't take much more of this I really can't. My moods range from good (ie shoving all this away so I don't deal with it) to suicidal. weird thoughts... impuslses... crossing my mind. "if I were to jump off that bridge, would that kill me?" "I wonder how much drugs it would take to kill me".

Freaks me out more then anything. 

I feel like someone has tied me down. so trapped. why is all this happening. who am i. what's going on. like i'm a shell and there's all this stuff happening around me but i have no power no courage no nothing. like something has tied me. like a puppet on strings. who's strings. i don't know. what am i supposed to do. go back though ga. get on meds. be sick from meds. cut. scream. cry. can i just sit here and stare at the static on the tv and get some where?

why me.

why now.

what's happening.

why am I here. can i even try to hold down a job.