Journal

im leaving school...........

recently i have been extremely sad, tearful, angry, stressed, frustrated, and anxious and also feeling weak, cold and unusually tired. i found out i do actually have depression...

But im not taking tablets for it because my bf dosnt like the idea of me taking them incase i get addicted... so i dont know what else to do to get over this depression.

I've been feeling like this for a long time but havnt shown it.

Recently its got worse because I have had arguments with my bf for about a week non stop, im not enjoying school or life. im just not enjoying anything or im not happy with myself.

Ive decided im gonna leave school... because i keep skipping lessons, im behind already with work, i dont hand in homework on time, and im always late. all this is NOT because im some lazy teen. its because ive changed and i am sad all the time and have no energy to do anything. 

Im gonna work for my dad at home where he would pay me about £65 a week.

Hopefully things are gonna get better as soon as i leave school

and stop arguing with my bf... 

i got my GCSE results yesterday, and they are shit. i dont know what to do. shall i spend months trying to find a crap job in a shop?. my boyfriend wants me to go to college, but i dont want to because it reminds me too much of school, and there are people i dont know, and i am extremly shy when meeting new people. also i had an interview a few months ago with a teacher at the college, and he told me that in the photography course there would be some drama involved and stuff like that, and told me straight to my face that i wasnt confident (even when he had only met me 2 minutes ago). which is true but when you know yourself that you are having problems with getting to like yourself and who you are, it kills you when someone says something like that, just when your trying to get over it in your own way, then it felt like he knocked me back down again. so i decided that i dont want to go to college. not because of that reason, but because i wouldnt know anyone, and i wouldnt be able to make friends and i would be on my own in the corner, therefore i wouldnt be happy.

there are no jobs around at the minute so im probably not gonna go looking for a job. im thinking about going to sixth form. which sounds really stupid because that is school. but there would be people i know, and im not going to fucking worry about the twats in my school who i didnt get on with before, i just want to knuckle down and do my best and get good grades. then maybe uni, but no one thinks i can get that far because you need really, really good grades. which is impossible for me.

so im worrying about what im gonna be doing with my life. but theres more to it than that. even before i got my grades and before i was worrying about my future, i still felt shit and felt like crying all the time. i am really confused and i dont know why i cant be happy like my friends. also my mum keeps having a go at me. which seems pretty normal. a mum having a go at her teenager. but its not like that, she keeps going too far, and she is blaming me for every single little thing, and she shouts at me for things that have happened that are not my fault in any way.

i try my best to be happy by playing with my brother, watching good tv, listening to good music, trying to have a laugh, that sort of stuff. but it dosnt last very long. i try my best to act happy infront of everyone so it makes them happy. but whenever i go into a room by myself and im on my own, all i would do is cry. thats what im confused about. why am i so sad all the time? do i have teen depression?