leopardfreak's Journal

need to get this out

one time

he wanted do to stuff i said no , i didnt want to , i asked him why not matt ... he said he like me better .. then contued to touch me

my mom started to tell me about periods and puberty ... and one day i would get it and stuff ... then around that time i like withen weeks of that i think after being abused i went to the bathroom and i was bleeding there , and then i tried telling him i couldnt do it any more cuz i got my period but that didnt matter i think then he started to attemp to be ''safer '' he used somthing kinda like a condom but not or he pulled out so he wouldnt cum in me so i wouldnt get pregnet

im not 100 % sure but i think every time when i was lil and got mad and riped apart my dolls or something may have been when that happend

but now im more then sure that wasnt my period that was '' the cherry '' girls talked about in high school

 when i was sick from school i layed in moms bed , when he came home , from school i layed as still as i could he came to see if i was awake or not , i pretended i wasnt , i wanted him to go away and leave me alone , i even tried turning every witch way trying to make it harder for him hoping he would give up ... he still took off my under wear and he was licking me down there

he told me over and over everyone did it ... i wounderd for a while if everyone did it why i couldnt say anything about it ... he gave me candy ... change money ... random thing so i wouldnt tell not one person

when we moved i sore to my self that was going to stop i was going into gr 6 and it did stop for awhile anyways but i came home from lunch and he was here he tried to convince me to stay home from school to '' hang out'' he was going to call me in sick , matt was at school lunch for

 safty patrol i think or somthing but he wasnt home , he some how got me in his room down stairs and had me pinned on his bed i was crying telling him '' please no , i have to go ''' over and over i said im gunna be late im sure i even screamed , a girl from school ended up coming to pick me up to walk with her to school , she heard me scream ,i just told her nutting im fine blocked out everything that ever happen through the rest of elementry ... high school came smoking . then pot came in i smoked pot once ina while,

i shared a joint with him in the bathroom and hot boxed it , and sat in his room thinking nutting of it all high outa my mind , then i some how unblocked it and it never went away since then and cutting became in the picture