When well i trust again?
I have had nothing but heartache form every men in my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel liek i am a failure in life and i …
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LuminousValentine 
10:38pm, November 14, 2009
K , i've had one kid before. as all of you know.
I never got ride of the last pregnancy fat....try as i may, diet excersize...nada..
i'm still a size 11, i still look pregnant now.
my mother decides she's going to tell me that i'm going to show at 3 months which will be in a couple of weeks. - which means i'm going to be fucking GYNORMOUS when i'm full term.
thats nice to know that my mother thinks i'm going to be fat...i meani proabably will because i'm fat already.
I already wear large and extra large to begin with.
I hate my body....the only thing that is almost decent on this descusting body of mine.
Is my hair...and most of the time it looks greasy even after i wash it. i'm thinking about just shaving my head.....
I dont know how some people do it. theres this one girl. her baby is like 6 months and she's like a double zero. and she's just a little shorter than i am. standing next to her. i'm a blimp. AND SHE NEVER EVEN TRIED! she only gained 17 lbs. I got sick and couldnt keep much down and gaind 70 lbs. and you cant just tell me thats baby weight. thats just me ballooning up.
I was just starting to get a little excited about the whole baby thing...
now i'm dreading it. because last time.
it breast fed, and gained MORE weight.
dieted and exersied for 2 years.
before pregnancy i was a size 3, then i went to a size 12.
I ran a mile, i did yogoa for an hour a day. i did taibo, -then i started a new program and almost killed myself cuz i didnt know i was pregnant.(well almost fainted cuz my heart short circuted)
its been about 2 years now. not much weight change. at all.
i'm still in the same pants as i was when i was pregnant the first time...
oh- AND i was eating small meals a day- about 6 times with nacks. that were healthy.
i dont get it.
i really dont. i really dont want to be huge again....and i really dont want the extra skin hanging off of me - AGAAIN...with the water weight still there, and the fat.
i hate it.
love my baby...hate my body.
i have never thought i was beautiful..never thought i was pretty...but now i'm just hideous.
no pants ACTUALLY fit me. they fit RIGHT at my hips and fall a little. but my thights are big enough to fill the jeans. but my butt isnt. then my stomach hangs over my bones. and is like jelly- you could probably shape it like dough. its so gross.
im about to give up trying to be thin after pregancy. i've tried so freaking hard.
my mother...who doesnt even excersize as much as i was...is down to a size 6...and has smaller thighs. me...i used to exersize and and tone and everything...my thighs didnt get smaller at all. so gross.
i know i'm being selfish- but for once. i actually want to feel beautiful. or pretty- or attracitve without having to cake on make up because my boss says i look like death if i dont wear it.
I want to be able to wear cute clothes an not want to buy a corsette to go with it.
and i know its stupid- how i feel...but its not like anyof you read all of my journals.
so it doesnt really matter. ....
3 months huh...? ................
i might as well be having tripplets if i'm gunna look like it. HAHA......
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Oh don't let your Mom's rant get to you. My Mom called last night to vent about how STUPID your Mom was being and how much like Grandpa she sounded. My Mom was MAD at your Mom. :) She didn't want to say anyhing while she was there and set your Mom off more so she just kept quiet. :) Trust me I know how you feel. With a secound baby you will show earlier but that doesn't mean you'll gain more wieight. It's just because your muscles and ligaments have already been stretched out once and your body knows what need to happen. Although with Wulf I didn't get sick at ALL when I was carrying him, and I was starving all the time. And ya know what? I ATE! LOL and I WAS huge and it DID take me FOREVER to lose it. But then with Jade I went on a diabetic diet in the third trimester due to high blood sugar and I was starving all the time and ONLY gained the reccomeneded weight. It still took me a long time to take just SOME of the weight off, not even all of it! I had myself just gotten resigned to my weight that I was never going to lose when I found out I was pregnant this time. And just to avoid hearing rants like your Mom gave you I still haven't told Grandpa and Grandma. I love Grandma and would love to tell her, but last time I told Grandpa (when I was pregnant with Jade, about 5mos along) I got the most terrilble lecture on how I was " going no where with my life" and I had no "goals" and was I going to "adopt the baby out?" !!!! etc etc. I am married, Todd and I ask for NO help and I'm HAPPY to be pregnant. Can't I just get a "congratulations"?! Sorry for my vent, LOL Your journal entry sounded a lot like me.
Moral, just let it in one ear and out the other, don't listen to a word they say in the negative. Sorround yourself with people who are happy for you!
woodnymph486
PS I have a HUGE fibriod so I pretty much AM carrying twins w/o the joy of two babies and I AM ENOMOROUS this time!! I mean HUGE and I've gained almost 20bls and I'm only 5mos along!
So CHIN UP! I've got it worse LOL
woodnymph486
With the weight issue... Drink ALOT of water!! With Kierstyn I gained 70 lbs and with Brett I gained 90 lbs and with baby Darrin I gained 26 lbs and with Darrin I drink ALOT of water and ate small meals (carrotts,celery,mangos,apples, oranges and bananas) I ate anything healthy with the LAST pregnacy that would keep me full for a while and I am today 152lbs and baby Darrin is 4 months old.. I am still not happy with my body but oh well- you can't be TOO overly hard on yourself!!
Everything sometimes takes more time than others..Just try and eat really well as you know everything you eat will go to the baby and worry about the rest later...
best of luck
Michelle
Michelle2