DMM08's Journal

As time continues to go by i've come to realize many things, to grasp many things that i felt incapable of grasping at one point. Well, maybe not incapable but unwilling to do; mostly, because to do so felt like defeat.

Because in essence there are things in my life which I simply cannot change and those things that I do want to change I shouldn't want to for so many reasons. This I never saw before I never saw the fact that all the things that happened to me, were done to me, all the choices i made, all the mistakes i made would eventually lead me to a place that maybe not necessarily happy with but content.

I am not yet at this place which is unfortunate because i feel as thoughI have been looking for it for a very long time. But when saying that I realize I thought i was looking for it, I was waiting for it to come to me, which obviously does not work. I suppose, I have taken a few correct steps, as of late, to finding this place.

Going to school, realizing there are things i can't change, working to accept those things, being ME. I always thought that me was a dreadful person, in fact sometimes, somedays I still do, I'm unsure if this feeling will ever leave me. But it is not as powerful as it was before it is not all consuming. I tis simply a part of me, not all of me. I let it be all of me and on my part that was a mistake and a regret.

I have heard that regrets are simply mistakes we have no learned from. But I do not agree with this because sometimes a mistake takes you down the wrong path and you have to climb out of it and end up at the fork in the road again while putting that choice behind you. Regrets are necessary because without them maybe compassion wouldn't exist, guilt wouldn't exist. Without guilt where does the good in the world come from?

Unfotunately, with this idea of guilt was another aspect of me that I let consume me negatively.  A person can make a situation adaptive, or maladaptive and for the better part of my life I have let things affect me maladaptively. Maybe because i felt sorry for myself or maybe because i just did not give a flying fuck. Needless to say, guilt is a powerful feeling, emotion, thing. We all feel it it is simply part of human nature. But what we can control is what we do with this guilt.

Do we let ourselves feel guilty over everything? Or just those things that we should REALLY feel guilty for. Personally, as i'm sure many people do, I let guilty consume me, everything in my entire life, things I cannot even remember I blame myself for. Granted, this is not entirely my fault as one is often the product of their environment and behaves in the ways that they have been taught. This can be used as an excuse, yes, but not forever, because evetually We escape, we travel, we try to find out who we are and it is here that we are faced with choices.

Choices, the things that can make or break you. No matter how stuck you feel, no matter how impossible a situation is we ALWAYS  have a choice. I had a choice I could let my family and friends continue to control every aspect of my life, or I could escape. Remember escape not run. Because if I ran away and cut them off and hid well then these things that affected me in a negative way would haunt me forever. Instead, I have to learn to deal.  That is where you make your choices. My choice to stand up to my demons and change things for myself instead of continuing to suffocate.

There are many things that I have learned and in no way am I cured. For, I still sometimes wish to die, I have my cutting urges which granted they sometimes win, i have this great hate that often fills me when I think of what these people those who were supposed to love me did to me, intentionally or not. It isn't an emotion I have control over, yet. I have my temper. There are so many negative things that fill me and so many reasons that I can search for to hate myself more. But i've realized why am I searching for these things so that I can hate myself more. Because in truth I was searching for it, I found them repeatedly without fail. Maybe I did it because I knew it was something I could never fail at one of my greatest fears. But failing is something we all must do so i've decided to search for those things that make me a good person, whatever that is. It could be kindness compassion or understanding I don't know. 

I am in no way better - for the depression still haunts me, the nightmares still come and go but it makes me sick and well maybe even hate myself a little at the time, the years and the effort I put into things that I cannot fix and never could. All the time I felt feeling sorry for myself, wishing for a different life and hoping to die. Was pointless, useless and an utter waste of time.

Hopefully, when a challenge comes my way once again, I can remember these 'lessons' i have learned and if not who knows. It will be a new path. 

I think my new saying is the choices i make lead me to the mistakes that define who I am.