PossiblyMe's Journal

I road the el for three hours. I ran along the stops and watched each glowing light cast symbiotic  shadows, thriving off the homeless laying on benches and the empty cans of cheap beer rolling against the wooden planks.  I listened to Hip Hop and let the lyrics fuck my ear drums, let it all swallow me until I was the train. Not so much the train as the tracks. Not nearly the tracks as much as the current flowing through them. Not even close to current but spot on, I was an atom. I was just revolving and seperating, ionic and hollow, spinning faster than I possibly could see as my particles slowed and stared right at the center of my atomic self. I snapped back and noticed a bum pissing two cars ahead of me. I got off at the next stop and turned up my head phones. Mr. Sos "Apocalypse Doomsday" was playing, one of the best songs Ive ever heard, for no good reason except the tone of his flow and the sound of the choir behind him subtly humming. I lifted my head and up tilted the bill of my skull cap, feeling small drops of rain hit my bandana on underneath. 

I started laughing for no reason other than the fact that I was completely unnecessary at that moment in time.  If I was never there, the rain wouldnt mind, it wouldnt grow sadness out of its bead and come searching for me. It would still hit the planks, the yellow line dotting the cement following the walk along the edge of the platform.  It would still fall, still hit, and still break.  I ran up in the quiet and disturbed the nearest puddle with my audacity and splashed around, hints of a five year old showed in my eyes, and I was at peace.  The next train came and I carried onto the floor from cement to metal, placing my arse firmly in the plastic hollow chairs with sad excuses for padding.  I felt my sling bag get tight as I leaned forward and looked around, once again alone on the el.  The rain traced parallel lines along the glass as the train car picked up speed, heading underground into the darker tunnels, making me find symbolism once again in the atom. 

I must of seen a thousand or more flashing orange lights vanishing as quickly as they showed when the car passed by.  I tilted my head back and lit a cigarette, letting the smoke fistfuck in the air above my head, possibly pointing down and laughing at me when I was no longer looking. The officer didnt really make a quiet entrance but his glance at me was a scream.  His wailing gave way to a finger, waving impatiently at the cigarette. I dont know why I did it but I merely smiled, tipped my beanie, turned the music up as loud as I could and swallowed the cigarette.  Ill feel horrible when it hits and tries to break down tomorrow in my stomach.  It was enough for the officer to just shake his head and leave the car, content knowing I just did something out of choice, and of respect to him.  I opened my mouth and watched minute trails of smoke leave my lips and chase after his badge and his gun and his power, giving up and vanishing halfway down the car.  The train began to wobble from side to side, and for a moment I wondered how fast I would crack my skull if it derailed. I pictured myself being lifted from my chair and sent hurling forward.  For a split second, I would have the ability to fly, and not a damn place I could go with it. Atomic again.  The train reached the last stop for me and I dismounted the flickering lights and convulsing car, stepped onto the concrete, waited for the song to finish in my ears, and threw up onto the cement.  Now here I am back home.

Ive ridden a horse drawn electric hell ride for three hours, swallowed a cigarette, tried to hydroplane across a puddle, recieved education on phenomenal hip hop, questioned my composition, became acquiainted with the feeling of being helpless, came to the realization that we are mere atoms, combusting and sharing space amidst some giant cosmic ball of lint, and thrown up, leaving my scent on the el stop walkway.  This world is an interesting place, interesting enough for me to wake up tomorrow and wonder who will step in a puddle of vomit and swear to himself that he would rather be somewhere else.  Don't we all man, don't we all.