PossiblyMe's Journal

I have recently discovered something extraordinary.  I am no longer the same person I was five years ago. I was getting drunk nightly, starting nonsense arguments and squabbles just to feel comfortable in the echo of everyones anger. I really wanted nothing more than to cause as much pain as possible in order to make mine lessen.  Everyday was a talented debate of idiocy and self righteousness in contrast to introverted reclusiveness. I cheated, I got into fights, I got drunk, I got as far down towards rock bottom as I could and set up shop there. 

The things I did to my friends were absolutely horrible. I would tell them I owe them one, then hit on their girlfriends or steal from them, something to make them not like me. I couldnt deal with being complimented. I needed anti- everything. If I was happy and I was liked, then I was failing.  Why did I ever do that to myself? All it got me was being alone and despised by the guys and girls I grew up with since the age of 4.  I even had a close friend tell me that they wished it was me who had moved away and never came back, instead of our other childhood friend.  I was not wanted, and no one would change that opinion. It was then that I realized I didn't want that, and it was too late by that point.

Speed across the empty gap and land here five years later.

I am rebuilding my childhood friendships.  Jobs are still hard to come by but I am determined to bartend at someplace I love and will appreciate. Its time I own up to a job that is hard and demanding, to prove to myself that I can handle it.  I can take compliments now, and say thank you, instead of ruining the perception that person had of me.  I am more social, much more devoted to friendship and family.

I have been drug free for almost a full five years now. No Shrooms, no acid, no ecstacy, no coke, no opium, no meth, no pills, no GHB, no Special K, no nitrous, nothing. Pot has come around once or twice, but I am able to manage that.  I love having braincells around in my head that actually fire and work. I still drink but can keep that in excellent moderation now, havent gotten drunk in almost a 5 months.

I have always figured I would be a loser the rest of my life, destroying what I could put my hands around and squeeze.  I will never go to that area of my life again.  I never want to wake up and think of suicide being the same thing as making breakfast, just as easy and just as rewarding.  I am myself now, the true me, not some shell of something I for some morbid reason thought I wanted to be.  I have never been happier, and can see that I will make sure things work out just fine.

I will live in Michigan, or Maine. I will read Robert Frost and sit outside of my apartment with a flannel blanket surrounding my cold frame. I will watch the vapors dance off my cocoa and remember climbing trees as a child.  Small blades of grass with flatten and motivate the leaves to reach them, a lingering come hither.  In the Fall I will stare in awe at the shades of color spreading out before me onto every branch and piece of pavement. I will adore the oranges, reds, yellows, the absolute calm.  I will place pen to paper and begin to write again, and not automate some sense of ritual anger, instead I will motivate myself to remain who I am.  I will grow old , live a life, and be merry.  One day I will sit outside, sans coffee or blanket. I will watch leaves fall against blades of grass, and hopefully I will be able to look back and smile at my long life as an old man, and let the last dances of vapor escape my lips before tilting my head back.

I just think its time to be happy, and get my life truly started. Well, here we go.