azuregris's Journal

it's a new day and new possibilities. yesterday was a hard day,thank you all for your support!

sometimes i just need to get my frustration out or i feel like my head will just blow. this Saturday we will be attending an annual candlelight vigil for all children who have passed before us. we have been attending since 2003,when we lost our son.  it is comforting but at the same time it causes me a bit of anxiety. i miss my son everyday,but at this time of year it feels magnified. he would have been six this December. it is amazing to me that he has been gone five years.  time wise it has been quite a while.  heart wise it feels like just a few minutes ago.  life is amazing, when it happened i didn't think i could go on. i was once asked what it feels like to lose a child, my simple answer was the pain never lessens but you learn to live with it.  it is not something you get over but you do move forward.  like a river that keeps running, regardless of all the rocks in between. as i have mentioned i have an 8yr old,a 7yr old,a 3yr old and a 3 month old. two  before sma,and two after. all sma free, and yet it makes no difference because i don't love them more because they are not ill and i don't love him less because he was ill.  i guess this last sentence is due to the fact that in the latter two pregnancies i was encouraged to abort. but as i told my doctor,if i had the opportunity to do it over-even knowing that i would have to let him go-i'd do it in a heart beat. those few precious moments with my son were worth it.