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Andyjacsmom 
11:17pm, December 3, 2008
UGH! I swear this surgery mess is going to break me! At preop today I just wanted to go on back into the operating room and take the stupid scalpel and just fix myself. I hate the way all of this stress is making me feel! I absolutely hate it! I have gotten so many words of encouragement and I am grateful for each one, but I still feel so scared and so alone and just so "small" compared to the existance of the universe, does that make sense? I know that I am taking my fears out on everyone else around me, I know I am and I am sorry but man I can't deal with this! You know it's not just the surgery thats giving me stress, it's should I move should i not, is Kayla going to be alright, how are we going to pay these bills, I have got to find a job as soon as I get fixed! AHH I am amazed tha I even have hair left! All of this mess is taking such a strain on my marriage, this just sucks! Sometimes I feel that hey just chill out, but it is as if I have drowned all those feelings away with, well almost self pity I guess. I am tired of taking on the world, I just want to live! I watch so many people take their lives for granted, their blessings for granted and here I am just begging to live so I can try to show my son that yeah life is hard but this is how you laugh through the tears. I am hurting, so deep inside right now. I feel trapped but then again by what... myself? I feel worthless and humiliated. I am the only one going through this, just me! Yeah my family is there......but they don't wear the scars. I just need to step back and let that wonderful peace overflow me! I am in the palm of Gods hand! I just wonder what it is that I am to see out of all this. Why must I go through this? Maybe God is just calling me. I have so much pressure and so many questions, ugh I am just overwhelmed. If I could turn back time and enjoy my life more other then worry through it, which is what I am doing now. 
As long as I keep breathing for right now I am fine. I just need to be, just be present, just be a part of it, just be. I think I'll go take a walk in the rain!
UPDATED GOALS
live throug heart surgery
Progress 20%
Encouragements: 0
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I just have a question for you... Have you been doing any therapy up to this point? Just to help you cope with the surgery and your feelings leading up to it? I really wouldn't even know what to say. I would probably be in the same position as you. That is why I would suggest, if you haven't been already, to see a therapist or counselor or someone. You're in my thoughts and prayers.
caruTH
Hi Hon,
Boy, that's a good suggestion in the post before mine. When I was first diagnosed in March, I too was really scared all the time. I went to therapy just 3 times but it helped me understand part of what I was feeling and that it was justified. For one thing, we have to grieve the good health we had before this happened and that process includes being angry about it. My situation is a little different than yours I guess in that it was persistent Afib right from the start. My EP tried cardioversion once but it failed after 2 days. But because I have no other health risks and my heart is otherwise healthy, he feels I should just stay in Afib permanently on rate control rather than risk any procedures or surgeries or anti-arrhythmic drugs. So by now the early symptoms of chest pain and dizziness etc are long gone, but I'm still pretty dragged out most of the time - though changing to a new beta blocker called nebivolol has made a big difference.
I sure send you comfort and understanding. You don't need to apologize for any of your feelings. I hope the surgery goes smoothly and successfully and I'll be fascinated to hear about it next week.
Andrea
nagasaki
Praying for you girl! With the Lord by your side you can accomplish anything!
jes1421
Thank you gutys so much for the encouraging words and prayers! I will be excited to post next week too! You guys take care and have a wonderful week! Talk to you soon!!!
Andyjacsmom