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SAMPAGUITA 
10:15pm, November 3, 2009
I decided to give up nursing. I know it became a dream for me but I cannot do something forever that will make me sick. Literally sick. I don’t want to risk it. It’s not because that im not brave, but im brave enough to accept my limitations. There are some ok, not so ok and not so very okay with this illness. Living with it is not easy. I learned that willpower can help, but when there is something pathological behind suffering, it could be very hard and cannot be just deified by willpower alone. Just yesterday, I attended a hip hop class; I noticed that I cannot concentrate with the steps. I cannot follow. And I felt bad. So I left the class and walk on the treadmill. I just don’t want to force myself on something that will stress me. At some point too, I felt a bit sad because I used to love dancing so much. But right now, at this moment I’m giving the permission to myself that I will not do anything that will contribute to my agitation or anxiety. All this time, I realized that I was relying on my willpower---there is nothing wrong with that. But sometimes acceptance can be liberating. Right now, I don’t know the answer to the question: “How can I live my life to the fullest knowing that I have an illness like this?” I have so many questions on my mind right now. But it is not good for me to pressure myself about my future career since im making a shift. That is the suggestion of my pdoc. And I’m cool with that.
Last night the BP thing is driving me crazy. I am so sleepy and tired but it’s like I don’t want to sleep yet. Bingeing on rice and pork although detrimental for my weight loss plan saved me from feeling worst. I felt a bit bad since I lost almost 2.4 lbs over the week. But I don’t want to blame myself anymore. I don’t want to mope or dwell over what happened, its just that, this is hard for me to handle. But like what I said on my post about My 10 BP Commandments, we must have unlimited ability to forgive ourselves.
God doesn’t care how much we fall down. For as long as we have FAITH in him then God will heal our wounds and wipe our tears so that we could move on for the next day
Last night the BP thing is driving me crazy. I am so sleepy and tired but it’s like I don’t want to sleep yet. Bingeing on rice and pork although detrimental for my weight loss plan saved me from feeling worst. I felt a bit bad since I lost almost 2.4 lbs over the week. But I don’t want to blame myself anymore. I don’t want to mope or dwell over what happened, its just that, this is hard for me to handle. But like what I said on my post about My 10 BP Commandments, we must have unlimited ability to forgive ourselves.
God doesn’t care how much we fall down. For as long as we have FAITH in him then God will heal our wounds and wipe our tears so that we could move on for the next day
Comments
but dont take things too easy friend - it can make us soft. i read a lovely poem once that included the words - u should walk in the rain, sleep out doors once in a way, go hungry, stufflike that - i found it v inspiratatonal
omarc71
I think it's a good idea to take it easy for a while and let the dust settle. That was a big decision you made and it's bound to affect your overall feeling of wellbeing.
lmiklaucic
Omarc71, I agree. I have travelled the "safe" road for many years, and without challenges or trials we never can know our full capacity. I too struggled with nursing school. I had to resign to the fact that I no longer could be the straight A student I once was. I had to settle for passing...but I never knew I could finish. I shed a lot of tears each semester w/ great doubts I would finish...Even at work, I still have my doubts. I worry what my coworkers think of my competence...it is very competitive in the job market these days. To keep my job, I forced my self to take a certification test. This required lots of concentration and sacrifice of a whole summer!....I once again resign to God's will and said to myself if He wants me to succeed, I will pass....Once again, through "blood, sweat, and tears" I was able to pass...
Having challenged myself in some way, I gained a sense of self and accomplishment I never thought I would feel.
I'm not saying that your decision to quit is any reflection compared to my decision to continue on. I'm saying that you can take the time to break and focus on other interests. If in that time you regain your self-confidence and find a social network of support that you're willing to try again, then by all means do so. If God wants you to do something, whether it be nursing or teaching or whatever, keep your eyes open to those signs...and trust in Him.
I really empathize with you. If you want to talk please add me as a friend :)
DTHCAB4