On Jan. 2, 2008 I recieved a call …
On Jan. 2, 2008 I recieved a call from my Mom at about 9pm. She was calling to let me know that Independence …
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LadyWeaver 
11:22am, February 8, 2009
Sometimes I ask myself why did they choose me? Why was I the target of all of the sexual abuse? How can a parent and grandparent find a 6 month old little girl sexually arousing? Why couldn't my father meet his sexual needs by having sex with his wife? Why couldn't my mother meet her sexual needs by having sex with her husband? Did they find each other unattractive enough that they had to seek their sick satisfactions on a helpless child?
Why did my grandmother decide to initiate me into the cult? Was it because my sister was wanting to turn away from the rituals and was more headstrong then I was? Why was I raped repeatedly when I tried to express my pain by screaming? Was it because of the noise I would have made or did they think that I was trying to be dominant and the only way they knew to make me submit was to force a broom handle up my ass? These are just some of the thoughts that are rattling around in my brain tonight, makes it hard to concentrate on much else. DAMN I HATE THIS TIME OF THE YEAR!!!!!!!! 
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I would curse the poor worthless excuses for human beings that did this to you and leave them rot for an eternity with him they worship, but that is too good a fate for them. I am so pissed that you must spend this time of year with such ugly memories and such horrible unanswered questions looping through your mind. I wish there was a way to change this. Just know that you are safe now and have a much better family right with you all of the time. Each of them is a hundred million and more times more precious than anything on this earth! And you do have friends who care.
mtnmama62
thanks and yes my internal family is wonderful
LadyWeaver
I'm sorry for your misfortune. It must be terrible for you to live with. I have no
clue what else to tell you, except that you are loved.
Paul B.
paulbish
Oh my GOD that's painful to read and must be exCRUTIATINGLY painful (too weak a word, I know) to live with. I've known a few friends who were terribly and repeatedly molested/raped as children of different ages. I find it unfathomable that someone could do this! Though the perpetrators' own scars must be internally deep, HOW COULD THEY CONTINUE THIS CYCLE AND NOT FIND SOME HELP?!?!? I suppose circumstances and availability of help vary widely depending on place, but this makes one's soul bleed. You are a strong soul. May your voice continue to be heard. It's so sad this is such a horrible time of remembering for you. May peace and healing find their way to you.
tcr1962
May God bless you richly so that your memories will fade. I do not know the depths of your hurt but I do know that you are loved by God.
kitten0805
Wow, It amazes me that someone could endure so much abuse from so many family members! I feel your pain... I was abused by my half-brother and by about 12-15 different non-family members from the age of 4-13 all of whom were male, except for one... so I can feel your pain.
This may sound silly, I don't know, but you can learn and help others from your experiences. I want to reach out to teens and speak to middle/high schools about abuse and try to get the cycles to be broken. I'm going to school now to earn my BS so that I can try to appeal to the school's to open the door to start this dream I have.. this outreach to stop the abuse.
I don't know.... I think I'm just rambling... sorry.... just know that you are not alone... there are others that share your pain. You can get through this... if you ever need to talk... I'm here.
dolphin1173
I'm really sorry to hear what you went through and how you were thinking about it at night. At least the good that can come out of it is that you can educate others and hopefully prevent them from getting abused. i was abused as an adult and nobody had told me how to protect myself so it happened and it helps for people to share their stories so others can be more aware and informed of the dangers out there. I hope you can not let it get to you forever and that you stop asking why you were the target. It won't help for you to get inside the mind of a sick person, none of the questions you want answered should matter, other than your sanity, safety and hopefully you can be at peace, good luck.
2Shy
I sure hope these people are in prison. If not, they certainly should be. It's hard to believe someone could b so sick and cruel to another human, especially their own child. I am so sorry for your pain and suffering. God makes good out of all bad though. I hope you find that goodness.
sparky4
Controlling ones emotions.
Anna000
WOW! what a heartbreaking story. I to was very abused in many ways as a child, what always got me through was a cousin of mine had it much worse than me and i always thoght if she can keep pushing through it so could i and that my life could be so much worse but your story is by far the worse i've heard. Dam them people who did this to your life! i understand not being able to shut off your brain so can get some rest and then when you do finnally fall asleep you don't want to wake up to face reality again. to me my friends and adoptive families are far more important than any blood relative. so my wish and prayer for you is to find some people that will love and respect you for who you are(your pain is a big part of who you are) and keep those people close. hope you got some sleep and as hard as it is try and focus on the positives in your life. your in my thoughts, connie
livingwithfibro
I am so very sorry to read of the unspeakable things that you endured...no words can really show the terrible world you were in. May you find peace and know that you are loved and some day those that harmed you will answer for their cruelty and vileness to you. I hope you are in a good situation and environment now and also that you can get the therapy you need to come to terms with these things for which you are not to blame....blessings to you.
kiltlady
I am a male now 67,I cannot think how a MALE could get any saterfaction of abusing children let alone family?
it makes me wanting to sceam NO NO NO
REGARDS
UNCLEBILL
UNCLEBILL
I am sorry your own family members tortured you like this. It is just awful. I will keep you in my prayers. No one should ever have to go through that. I'm sorry for your pain, all the bruises and scars that are all hidden on the inside. Take care.
painangel
I wish I could hug you, because what you had to endure, I did too, But it was relatives and family friends. One died years ago, Guess from what, prostate cancer, the other one is suffering from prostate problems too. So you see, they do get what they deserve in the end. But you know what, try to forgive them. Forgiving them will set you free. You have to talk to a professional about this. You are holding too much anger and pain. It will only give them more power over you and that you do not want. You are strong, and God will have his justice ready for them.
knuckle
Knuckle I am in weekly counseling sessions and have been for 9+ years, just some times of the year that trigger me.
LadyWeaver
Know that you are loved and prayed for unceasingly and always will be
sounds like you need to be around supportive people right now and make some happier memories of this time of year what can we do to help?
dly1964
just be there, one of the reasons I asked you to read this particular entry is that it will help explain our moods in the next several days. This is just a really difficult time of the year for us so if we seem 'out of it' you'll understand why.
Thanks my friend! Gentle HUGS
LadyWeaver
be strong in the LORD.
melvinj
My name is vader and I am sorry that you had to be the object of these sick people.Please know that we are your friends here and we are here to help.Please do remember that people are necessaryily good and sometimes some people they just have sick thinking.They will be judged and the judgement will be swift and then they will face the weeping and the wailing.Remember to stay in touch with me and the cats.I hope that the rest of this month is happy.Remember dear..life is for the living and try to do whatever you can to forget these people and try to do something nice.I try to laugh at least once a day.My late brother liked the 3 stooges and I try to see them whenever I can.The cats just said Meow! Cheers! Vader.
vader