crwtom's Journal

I have been so down. I know the weather, time change,and other things that go along with this time of year that even brings "normal" people down has a lot to do with it. I lost Faith in Sept- just as the happiness of Summer comes to an end. It starts getting dreary with leaves falling off the trees and days getting shorter and nights getting colder. Right now I wake up every morning with that feeling of my heart in my gut. Reality snatches it out and crushes it. Tomorrow it will be the 14th month without my sweet angel. Yet my mind is reliving it as if it were yesterday. One big difference from last year is that I'm no longer crippled by my grief. I might feel the same feelings, but I can face them head on. I allow them to do what they want with me.Those feelings are not in control. I am. I am so sad, yet I am so proud that I can say that I am in control. I can't control when grief wants to attack,but I am in control of dealing with it. Last year I didn't know what to do with any emotion. Now if I'm down I give myself time to feel sad, mad, vulnerable...I think that means I am doing good. For now I will accept this feeling of control because I like control.lol We all know how quickly grief can knock you to your knees. But for some reason I feel a sense of power like i will overcome whatever it sends my way. I still hate it with a passion. It's still not fair. BUT it will not defeat me. 

This all comes from me thinking about all that I'm missing with Faith. Then I realized while I'm consumed with these thoughts, memories that can be made with my living children are being missed.  My pain is horrible like all that have lost,but I have the blessing of living children. That does not protect me from yearning for my Faith or lessen my heartache, but it is still a blessing that I must appreciate for my sake, theirs,Faith's and yours that do not have the comfort of a living child's hugs and kisses.I hate they know this pain, but I am blessed that they are here. So when I was so sad the other day wishing and yearning for Faith-I thought right now in this moment of sadness Nash, Krista, Grace, and Hope are all doing something that I can appreciate in honor of Faith. They are living. They might be screaming at each other, crying, laughing, dancing,or just being, but they are doing something that Faith wants me to enjoy. I believe that she wants me to enjoy them and love them times two. I'll never have a twelve year old Faith here with me, but I have a twelve year old Nash here that needs me, an eight year old Krista,  a four year old Grace, and a four month old Hope. I will love every moment with them as if it is a moment with Faith.  I put her on a pedestal. Before I act I will try to treat them as if they are Faith. That might be bad because they might not ever get in trouble again.;)I will enjoy Nash's teenage attitude, Krista's drama, Grace's stubborness, and Hope's sweetness. I will love all their hugs and kisses as if they are also Faith's hugs and kisses.Losing Faith had already made me appreciate them more, but realizing that I should see Faith in them has put a whole new perspective on things. When I look at Faith's picture I see pieces of them in her. They embody her. She is a part of all of us and we should appreciate that in each other.She is here living in her mother,  father, brother, and sisters.When I love them, I will love them for them and for Faith. i will always yearn for Faith, miss her, love her and have days when grief tries real hard to kick my ass, but for her in honor of her I will fight to live not just be.So there grief- I'm learning to live after a stillbirth.

Faith I want you to be proud of me. That is my life goal. Since I lost you, the important things in life become even more clear than they already were. I knew before you were gone that your brother and sisters were the most important, but life sometimes got in the way of that. Not now, baby. Love you- Love you- Love you...