feeling kind of sick today. I might …
feeling kind of sick today. I might make an appoiment to my dr to see if i am having a baby o not. I feel movement and …
Join Now
crwtom 
9:08pm, October 30, 2009
Just a little update on Hope and my pychosis. Everytime I think that I am doing fine and enjoying Hope, I find worry and my mind spirals out of control. I become convinced that somehow she will be taken from me. I need to avoid the internet. Simple symptoms can be symptoms of serious things. I convinced myself that Hope has cystic fibrosis. It all stems from that crazy pediatrician saying that she thought Hope needed to be tested for downs when she had no symptoms of it. She was very tired and calm after birth so that concerned her. Then Hope was slow at gaining weight, which is the first flag for CF. Even though now she gains the right amount, I still can't relax. Today, I took her to the drs because I knew that Dr Anagnos would calm me down. She is so mellow. She said that she thought that because I was so stressed that it affected my milk supply at the beginning and that Hope checked out beautifully. She did say that the only definitive answer would be testing for it. I can't bring myself to do the test. I am so paranoid that it would somehow be false. I am trying to go with her not being concerned. I am trying to let go and enjoy my baby. So many friends are yearning to have another. I just can't seem to relax. I feel in my heart that Faith wouldn't send my gift just to have me return her. I for some reason can't let my guard down in fear that something will happen. After the appt we went to the store to get the kids some clothes. When we were getting out of the car, I said to Kevin I just need to have faith in Faith, God, and in Hope. She is a little fighter. I said that Faith handpicked her so I should feel safe that she will protect her. We went inside and straight to the baby clothes. I looked up at a little Carter's outfit that had cute little flowers on it and it said "HANDPICKED." I can't help but smile. My poor angel and poor little Hope. Faith constantly tries to assure me that everything will be ok. Hope is so good. She is the perfect baby. Of course, I don't put her down long enough for her to be any different, but she is so sweet. She sleeps at night. I hope I can let go of this and learn to savor the moment because the moments are flying by. I want to enjoy her times two. Every breath, every smile, every cry, I want to enjoy for her and for Faith. Thank you my angel for your constant love. You are in my every thought. Love
Comments
You might also like ...
This is my second pregnancy..and …
This is my second pregnancy..and im so happy about it..imfive weeks..i just got a phone call last night from my dr …
Please, I need sound advice. I …
Please, I need sound advice. I am three months pregnant and my marriage is crumbling. I discovered a couple of days …
You know what if you never lost Faith you would still worry all the time. Parents worry this is what we do. We are here for you. You just keep on loving that little Hope and enjoy every minute of her baby life. If you decide you want tests we will be here to support you- and never forget- no one is 100% right that first doctor sounds a little "off." I think she was projecting her emotioanlity into the situation...a crazy pants maybe? That's why there are second and third opinions.
Sending lots of support your way. XO, Jen
natwis22
I am right there with you with the worry. I am so worried almost terrified that something horrible will happen to my other children and that I won't have them either. I always envision a car accident. I know it is silly . I am sure that Faith does keep watch over Hope and she will help to keep her safe and healthy. I am wishing you peace of mind and heart Heather
Brynasmom
What a beautiful message from Faith, "handpicked". It would be impossible not to worry, please don't beat yourself up for it, but I think your faith in all three is well placed. Know we are always here to listen and support you. Hugs & love - Ann
Ann888
It seems that our earthly lives are going to be filled with constant worry. The Lord says, "Do not worry because we are not garanteed tomorrow. We are but a vapor. Live today as if it were your last." I know that it is hard to enjoy today for fear of tomorrow. I am praying that you will be able to enjoy each second of your time with your precious children hear on earth without fear and worry. They have a guardian angel that is not going to let anything happen to them.
Much Love ~ Dusti
P.S. Hope was definately handpicked. That is what makes her special.
Braysmommy
Oh sweetie. I had to smile at this. Just this weekend Lena came down with another fever and when Gregg called to tell me while I was at the store that it had gone up to 102.4, I got nauseous. I was so worried about her, because she just got over strep but the fever stayed after the strep was gone. Now it was back. I told Gregg that in my mommy brain Lena has some horrible disease and Gianna died because Lena was going to get this awful disease and we would need to spend all of our time with her. Then I started thinking well, what if it's cancer and I can't even have another baby that could give Lena a bone marrow transplant. Really. This is where our brains go. At least you can know you're normal. I'm sure baby Hope is just fine! And Lena's fever is gone! Big hugs - Sher
Sher0214
I hope things become easier for you. That is great that you found that outfit for Hope. It is like Faith is telling you everything will be ok. ((HUGS)) Amy
Am1110
I know what you mean, I feel like something could go wrong at any time and I am just so in love with her! I am trying to just relax too and just hope for the best. I really hope that you can find some peace and relax some. She is doing great and she is meant to be here!! Lots of hugs, Sharon
shandyH
Try not to worry as I'm sure everything is alright. I know it's easier said that done, but from what you've written it sounds like everything is going good. Be gentle with yourself. You are doing a great job! Hugs, Liz
tommy7
Brings tears to my eyes! Faith is watching over you all from above, and little Hope will be just fine.
ShelbyR
Cynthia, I deal with this every day, especially now with all of this horrible flu around. Millie had a really high fever with an ear infection a few weeks ago, and I thought I was literally going to faint. I just try to remind myself, just like you say you do, to have faith. After all, worrying never really makes a positive difference -- too bad just knowing that doesn't seem to make it stop! It sounds to me like Hope is doing just fine. Please let me know if you ever want to talk!
Love and hugs,
Ginny
ab1302
I think it is completely normal for you to feel the way you feel. Fear is normal even if you hadn't lost, but b/c you have lost, it makes fear even more real. I am sorry you are struggling with fear. I pray God would give you some extra solace to hold on to when your mind starts going. Hang in there. Blessings to you and Hope.
Joannna