feeling kind of sick today. I might …
feeling kind of sick today. I might make an appoiment to my dr to see if i am having a baby o not. I feel movement and …
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crwtom 
9:08pm, October 30, 2009
Hey my baby girl,
We all went to lunch, and as I was holding Hope I was watching a one year old baby boy sitting in his hi-chair across from us. I wanted so badly to pull his hi-chair over to our table ,and it be you sitting there with us, eating your wagon wheels or cereal with sweet potatoes. Who knows you could be like Krista that yelled at us for a slice of pizza at 6 months. lol Faith it is moments like those that make my deep wounds split wide open. Baby girl as much as those times hurt me, I have to focus on what you have done for me by sending your little sister here. She is so precious. Right after you passed, i signed up for your picture to be retouched by a place online. I had forgotten I did that until a few days ago when your two pictures came in the mail. You look even more beautiful. I was holding Hope, while i looked and cried over them. I glanced down at your little sister, and she stared up at your picture and smiled. I find so much peace knowing that you sent her and she knows you. I just can't believe it's been so long without you. That your little sister is 12 weeks. Time goes by so fast. A year later I still ache, mourn, yearn, and beg for you to be here, but it also brings me the desire to live for you too-To do things that will make you proud. I can no longer sit and watch life pass me by. i can no longer allow people in my life to watch life pass them by. I hope I'm not putting too much pressure on your brother and sisters. I hope that by asking them to put forth a little more effort in what they do in your honor will make them strong and loving people. Nash had to write a paper and daddy was left in charge to oversee him. Well, you know how that went. There was no way he would be allowed to hand that paper in, and Nash knew that. Mommy gave him a long speach last night about you not being here and how he could do so much with the gifts that God has given him. I'm sure you're happy that you are spared from my speeches.lol I know I am very winded, but I hope at least half of what I say sticks. I know that they are young and need to be kids, but they are special because they have you. I want so much for them to make a difference and feel like they lived life to its fullest. If I need to back off, just let me know. Help daddy lighten up a bit. It makes mommy so mad that he lets the little things bother him so much. I say- "STOP COMPLAINING!" Could you say that to him somehow then maybe he would get it. He is so disappointed in himself. Help him make changes. Help me be patient with him while he tries. I know I sometimes have to high of expectations for people. Oh, one more request- PLEASE help me have patience with Mema. I know she can't hear or see, but my patience is so thin with her.She can't hear and will argue over a conversation she can't even hear. She used sand paper on my oven racks. Am I crazy for getting a little upset? She uses all of the clorox to clean out the outside garbage can. She collected all of the hickory nuts in the yard- put them in the planter on the porch and wonders why we have squirrels on the porch! lol i know these are petty things,but she does things like that daily. I swear we should have a reality show. I feel like i live in an insane asylum. I love you baby girl. Mommy will write(complain) again soon. until then you are in my every thought.
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I actually lol'd about the oven racks, did they get clean? It is sweet that she is trying to be helpful, but I'd be a bit annoyed by that too.
I really enjoy reading about how you include Faith in your every day life so your kids will grow up knowing about their sister.
ryannsmom2009
I hear you. I do just wish we could have our angel child back. I would love to know if Jolie's strawberry blonde hair would still be that or would it have turned firey red? Would she had walked realy early like her older sister or later like her baby sister? Would she, would she, would she, ....it will go on forever. I know you feel the same way. I am thinking of my Jolie and your Faith. Hugs.
Joannna
I loved reading this post- it really made me smile thinking about the "what could be's" I also loved reading how you were just talking to her as if in conversation with her. It really is so lovely.
Heather
Brynasmom
You have a funny and crazy life! I'm glad you have Faith with you to help you go through every day with patience, love and a smile on your face. She is truly the most beautiful gift life has given you, and she will always watch on all her brothers and sisters. Don't worry, they will all grow up to be good, kind persons who will make Faith and you proud. Love, Laura
hkchallenge
I can't believe how time fly's by. I can't believe she is 12 weeks already. Sounds like you have a crazy house hold going on, sounds like you are doing a great job keeping it all together! Lots of hugs to you!!
shandyH
There are times I feel like I'm putting pressure on Jack too, or like I mention Gianna too much to him. I know exactly what you mean. It's hard to stop short of saying "But you're alive!" He's a good kid, with a good heart. I just can't seem to let anyone forget Gianna, can't let one day go by without mentioning her name. I was just talking to my SIL about what impact Gianna will have on the kids, especially Lena. She talks about her baby sister so much, every day. I wonder if she'll name her daughter Gianna, if she would use the bedding I bought for Gianna and won't return (and am certainly not going to give to my stinky cousin).
You gave me a laugh though, right when I needed it! Sand paper, really? Hugs - Sher xoxo
Sher0214
This post made me smile You are coming full-circle on this journey with Faith, and its so beautiful to see the growth and the humor when you write to her. Well, I know we never fully heal, and there will always lurk the sadness and sense of loss behind everything, but at least you can see the light in the darkness. Time really does fly by, as it seems like I just held Christian in my arms 9 1/2 months ago. Its a mixed bag of feelings. The world has moved on, and we are forced to move on to, but we still ache for the, daily. Lots of love to you and baby Faith.
luvmyangelc