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crwtom 
9:08pm, October 30, 2009
I have been so down. I know the weather, time change,and other things that go along with this time of year that even brings "normal" people down has a lot to do with it. I lost Faith in Sept- just as the happiness of Summer comes to an end. It starts getting dreary with leaves falling off the trees and days getting shorter and nights getting colder. Right now I wake up every morning with that feeling of my heart in my gut. Reality snatches it out and crushes it. Tomorrow it will be the 14th month without my sweet angel. Yet my mind is reliving it as if it were yesterday. One big difference from last year is that I'm no longer crippled by my grief. I might feel the same feelings, but I can face them head on. I allow them to do what they want with me.Those feelings are not in control. I am. I am so sad, yet I am so proud that I can say that I am in control. I can't control when grief wants to attack,but I am in control of dealing with it. Last year I didn't know what to do with any emotion. Now if I'm down I give myself time to feel sad, mad, vulnerable...I think that means I am doing good. For now I will accept this feeling of control because I like control.lol We all know how quickly grief can knock you to your knees. But for some reason I feel a sense of power like i will overcome whatever it sends my way. I still hate it with a passion. It's still not fair. BUT it will not defeat me.
This all comes from me thinking about all that I'm missing with Faith. Then I realized while I'm consumed with these thoughts, memories that can be made with my living children are being missed. My pain is horrible like all that have lost,but I have the blessing of living children. That does not protect me from yearning for my Faith or lessen my heartache, but it is still a blessing that I must appreciate for my sake, theirs,Faith's and yours that do not have the comfort of a living child's hugs and kisses.I hate they know this pain, but I am blessed that they are here. So when I was so sad the other day wishing and yearning for Faith-I thought right now in this moment of sadness Nash, Krista, Grace, and Hope are all doing something that I can appreciate in honor of Faith. They are living. They might be screaming at each other, crying, laughing, dancing,or just being, but they are doing something that Faith wants me to enjoy. I believe that she wants me to enjoy them and love them times two. I'll never have a twelve year old Faith here with me, but I have a twelve year old Nash here that needs me, an eight year old Krista, a four year old Grace, and a four month old Hope. I will love every moment with them as if it is a moment with Faith. I put her on a pedestal. Before I act I will try to treat them as if they are Faith. That might be bad because they might not ever get in trouble again.;)I will enjoy Nash's teenage attitude, Krista's drama, Grace's stubborness, and Hope's sweetness. I will love all their hugs and kisses as if they are also Faith's hugs and kisses.Losing Faith had already made me appreciate them more, but realizing that I should see Faith in them has put a whole new perspective on things. When I look at Faith's picture I see pieces of them in her. They embody her. She is a part of all of us and we should appreciate that in each other.She is here living in her mother, father, brother, and sisters.When I love them, I will love them for them and for Faith. i will always yearn for Faith, miss her, love her and have days when grief tries real hard to kick my ass, but for her in honor of her I will fight to live not just be.So there grief- I'm learning to live after a stillbirth.
Faith I want you to be proud of me. That is my life goal. Since I lost you, the important things in life become even more clear than they already were. I knew before you were gone that your brother and sisters were the most important, but life sometimes got in the way of that. Not now, baby. Love you- Love you- Love you...
UPDATED GOALS
live after a stillbirth
Progress 80%
Encouragements: 2
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Comments
I'm just so sick of the pain. The feeling like my chest is caving in from the pain of not having you. I love you and want you so bad Faith. You are so precious-you should be here. I hate this time of year. I wake up every morning and feel just like I did last year. I wake up and realize you are gone and my heart will ache for you always.
Comments
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I could've written this entry. I hate this time of the year too! It's a time made for happy children and bundled up babies. It hurts so much.. thinking so much about you and little Faith. tight hugs, Laura
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Yep. I couldn't have said it better... sorry you are feeling this way. I am sorry we are all feeling this way. We should have our babies. Its not fair. Its too much to take at times. xo
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Diddo!! You couldn't of put it any better!! Hugs for your heavy heart, Julie
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I agree. It is so hard. It's just so freaking unfair. My friend called yesterday and asked if I wanted to come hand out candy to trick-or-treaters on our main street, the local businesses have trick or treating. I flat-out told her it would be hell for me and I would just be bitter and jealous of all the moms with little kids. I have always loved Halloween and the holidays but without Abi it seems so empty and joyless now. Big hugs to you, Cynthia, you are not alone in your pain and I hope all our little pookers are having fun & dressing up in silly princess-fairy-butterfly costumes together! XOXO - Ann
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You are speaking for all us. I wish we could shout it from the rooftops. Dear God, why will it always hurt so much? Big hugs - Sher
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I'm sorry Cynthia - I did'nt pass out candy last nite, we kept the porch light off all nite. I'm not looking forward to the other holidays either. I've been in a funk all week. I hope all of our babies dressed up and had a great day in heaven yesterday. Thoughts like that keep me going. Hugs.
Chaya
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Exactly how I feel too : (
Hang in there...
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I know baby - my heart aches, I can barely breathe sometimes....I feel like the walls collapse around me. I wish so much that we holding them - so much
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I know what you mean! I used to love this time of year, now I dread it. ((HUGS))
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I am sorry it is like this. I just so wish we had our angel's back. I am thinking of you. Tight hugs. Hang in there.
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sorry it is a rough time of year for you. i am just entering into my difficut time as Madeline's 3rd birthday is just two months away. i wish things were so different for all of us.
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You have written what is in many if not all of our hearts. I am sorry you are having a rough time of it lately. I wish there was something I could do-
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I feel your pain! Sending hugs and prayers.
Libby
I'm in Awe right now. The last few days I've really been down missing Faith. This morning Grace was drawing a picture of a heart with angel wings to show she can draw like Krista. She said see I put specks on it too. We thought nothing of it until now. We had to go to Target for a few things and I saw a shirth that said Faith on it. I had to buy it for the girls. When we got home I had Grace try it on. She was so proud to have a shirt with her sister's name on it. I said let me see what else is on the shirt because I only saw Faith and bought it. I looked at it- Faith's name is written on a heart with angel wings that has specks of glitter on it. How beautiful is that. I know you're are with me Faith, but I love the signs proving that you are all around us baby girl. (I posted pics to share my moment.:))
Comments
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That is so great, I love it!
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She certainly chose a wonderful way to let you know she is connected
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I love both pictures....what a moment. Thanks for sharing it. Hugs.
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So sweet and wonderful to feel her around you. I had my first dream EVER about Jack last night and he told me not to worry and that he would take care of him (talking about the baby) Its the first real sign I have felt since he died. It feels so good.
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I am so glad that your precious girl is letting you know she is with you all the time xo.
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I love it, you are blessed to have such a communicative angel :)
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Wow...what a beautiful sign from your precious angel.
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She's just telling you she loves you all... So beautiful!!! xoxo, Mikaela
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That is so special! I love it!
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Beautiful!! It is so hard not to have them with us in person, but our babies are always here with us in spirit. Hugs - Ann
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I love love love this!
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that is so cool and the shirt is beautiful
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This is so so beautiful - i really believe that innocence sees things we do not - hence Grace seeing Faith's wings. Stories like this make me believe. Thanks for sharing sweetie.
xoxoxoxo
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So wonderful! I love those signs from our angels!
Past Entries
Goal Updated
I know she is so proud of you. You are so strong & such an inspiration. I am sorry you are going through this hard time - I share your feelings - but the way you are turning it into a positive is truly inspiring. Big hugs to you.
Ann888
Yeah, living after a stillbirth is hard. There is not a day that we wish we had our angel's here to care for. I'm glad you are finding some strength and direction after losing Faith. One day at a time. Hugs.
Joannna
Even after the joy of my new baby boy Nash . I still feel the tugging at my heart from Brody my angel in heaven . My oldest son Max who is 5 now was my strength , he made me laugh and made mw live in the moment .. Jill
jillsmax
You SHOULD be proud of yourself, you are doing fantastic, you are strong and you are an amazing mother. Your entry is so inspirational! Just yesterday, I was wondering how on Earth I would be capable of raising the children that will come after Olivia and Benjamin, without breaking down every minute because they are not here with me. But you've shown me just how to do it. They will live within each of my subsequent children, and raising them, loving them will be a way of honoring my twins' memory. I think I'm going to copy and save your entry to my computer, for the days where I'm lost and overwhelmed by grief and despair. Love, Laura
hkchallenge
I was reading your entry and parts really resonated with me -especially the parts about missing the moments with your living children. I feel bad when I am feeling down and am not with the kids or I feel as if D is taking on so much of the child care responsibility especially since he stays home with the kids. I loved reading your entry just to know that it can be done- I know live has to go on - but living is different all together and you give me hope. Thanks Heather
Brynasmom
Oh Cynthia! Look at you, shining this beautiful light, showing us the way. You are truly a blessing in my life. Big hugs - Sher xoxoxo
Sher0214
Staying strong and moving on is important. Hope would want you to do that. You have a family of living children that need you.
akittykat
I mad a mistake I'm so sorry Faith would want you to stay strong and move on and be their for your family
akittykat
Faith is so proud of you...all of your kids are so proud of you...we here are all so proud of you. Sometimes, when I am feeling down, I open up your profile page and re-read some of your entries to boost myself up and find the courage/strength/hope to keep going. I know I have said this beofre (more than once!!) but you are truly an amazing woman/mom/friend. Thank-you Cynthia. Hugs, Nik
zaksmommy