painangel's Journal

Just picked up my pain patch from Kaiser.  The entire place was crawling with pregnant women. I'm exaggerating only slightly....  Anyways, it was just a reminder of something I'll never have, never know.  Their bellies swollen with pride, belief in tomorrows, promises, hope and most of all, miracles.  I imagine a hundred pair of strangers hands rubbing their bellies for good luck.  Silly, I know, but the thoughts that go through your head!  As I followed the pregnant woman in front of me into the parking garage,  I pondered what does it feel like to take part in a tiny miracle.  But now the most compelling miracle of all is growing right inside of you.  This child swimming inside of a bubble of protection in the amniotic  sac.  What does it feel like as your stomach pushes outward and this tiny creature is not so tiny anymore.  What is it like to wait to give birth, the biggest and most precious miracles of all?  I'm finally accepting the harsh truth that there is no cure for my pain.  When I was told it was myofascial pain syndrome, there were a lot of treatments I had not tried.  It was just EXTREMELY difficult to find someone that was both experienced and practiced myofascial release, or trigger point therapy, and so on.  I've been all over the bay area, NOTHING HELPED.  I'm fucking almost 30.  One, I don't want to have kids late in life.  I know a lot of people start families later in life these days, but most regret it, at least from what I've heard..  Secondly,  how the hell am I going to take care of a child when I can't even take care of myself??   Guess I was never really cut out to be a mother.  How I laugh right now!  WHen I was younger, having kids was all I wanted.  I wanted to finish college have a career, then settle down, marry and have 3 or 4 children.  But the reality of life hit me, hit me hard and it was all so idealistic and naive.  But, I would love to know how it feels to have a fetus growing into a baby, expanding, pushing out as my body somehow, someway makes room.  Then the pains of labor, and the greatest gift of all is placed in your arms.  A treasure so valuable, no price tag could ever be placed on this tiny package.  And I swear, one of the greatest smells in the world is the smell of a new born.  I'm glad I watched Cyndi have her baby, had the opportunity to see that miracle.  True, it wasn't "my" miracle, but something I will never forget nonetheless.  The burden, sadness, depression that this chronic pain is a life sentence is sinking in,.  I'll most likely  never be independent, let alone marry.   I'll be lucky if I muster up the strength and fortitude to break away from my mother's grasp.  She is my greatest ally, and my worst enemy.  Problem is, I never know which one I'm getting.  It is funny how dreams can shatter again and again until you think there is nothing left.  But there always is- one more crack- one more piece to fall and break into a million pieces of glass... all over again.