painangel's Journal

Oh yes, because my mother reads all my shit and it pisses the hell out of me.  It is terribly windy but a lovely day nonetheless.  I'm listening to Cat Power (NO, not everything I listen to is goth anymore.) "Sleepwalker."  A very haunting song in my opinion which doesn't count for much.  I don't know why but today/tonight it brought back memories of me at your hospital bed, you were sedated because you were put on a respirator.  I held your hand as my tears fell on your arm and hand, and once  I squeezed your hand and you squeezed back.  You didn't do that for anyone but me, not the doctors, not even your fucked-up family.  When I was alone with you, which was often, I'd put on my headphones and just write to you.  We still weren't sure if you were going to make it.....  And I played "sleepwalker" over and over.  The guilt was killing me but in a different way.  And though I was not the direct cause for you being in the ICU, my actions, my stupid, stupid choice one early morning, resulted in you ending up almost dead.  I still carry that guilt around and it is so fucking heavy!  So I'd go home do a bunch of pills  and other things to forget for awhile that I put you there, that you may not make it another day.  Take it all in and just forget it all for a few hours, until harsh reality would pull me from a dreamless sleep and it felt like I'd been smacked upside the head.  Reality: you in the ICU, would you live, would you die?  And even when you got better, I made excuses just to go back home and get high so I wouldn't have to think how close (AGAIN), I came to losing you.

THE SLEEPWALKER

I can hear- voices in the water

coming up like smoke brings the wind

I have to take some time to relocate that house of mine

I think I must have lost it in the river

They see things so difeent

To green eyes-they give nothing away

Do you think now at last 

You can tell me

No you won't- give it away

Crush snow on my face

Feels like burning

And birds blackface singing in the tree

If I got myself a gun

Then I could shoot down eeryone

Maybe I've just invented some religion

I saw father dancing with his daughter

And the music singing softly on the breeze

I can't see an end- salvation anywhere

Think I'll wait here if he comes down the river

Think I'll wait here if he comes down the river

I've heard all this before

Already I know

A lost soul- I won't say it anymore