TimColorado's Journal

Lately I have felt the hand of depression trying to pull me down again, over the summer I managed to keep it at bay for a while, last winter was horrible, I have never been that low in years, the last time I was that low was over something extremly emotional years ago. This though, this dosnt go away, we live with this every single day of our lives, the pain, mobility issues, not being able to do what we used to do, not being able to live like we used to live. When people look at me they see the cane, the limp, maybe my face in pain, what they dont see inside is the sadness of having to live in such pain 24/7, not being able to live my life the way I want to, and should be able to do, it is not JUST the physical pain we suffer, it controls our entire life, from emotions, to physical limitations, to whether we feel happy or sad....or just completely uterly at the mercy of our pain, and our pain has NO mercy! I want to feel better, pop some morphine, not enough? Pop some codeone on top of that, ok, I can deal with the pain now...but crap, I am so tired now I couldnt do anything if I wanted to, better go lay down since I cant keep my eyes open. What a horrible cycle we are in...is there a way out anywhere? Maybe let the Doc's cut me again, heh maybe they will completely severe my spinal cord this time and put me in a wheel chair for good, instead of just on my really bad days like now....I try to be as positive as I can most days, but like anyone, I have my lows....