Join Now
TimColorado 
5:52pm, October 9, 2008
Lately I have felt the hand of depression trying to pull me down again, over the summer I managed to keep it at bay for a while, last winter was horrible, I have never been that low in years, the last time I was that low was over something extremly emotional years ago. This though, this dosnt go away, we live with this every single day of our lives, the pain, mobility issues, not being able to do what we used to do, not being able to live like we used to live. When people look at me they see the cane, the limp, maybe my face in pain, what they dont see inside is the sadness of having to live in such pain 24/7, not being able to live my life the way I want to, and should be able to do, it is not JUST the physical pain we suffer, it controls our entire life, from emotions, to physical limitations, to whether we feel happy or sad....or just completely uterly at the mercy of our pain, and our pain has NO mercy! I want to feel better, pop some morphine, not enough? Pop some codeone on top of that, ok, I can deal with the pain now...but crap, I am so tired now I couldnt do anything if I wanted to, better go lay down since I cant keep my eyes open. What a horrible cycle we are in...is there a way out anywhere? Maybe let the Doc's cut me again, heh maybe they will completely severe my spinal cord this time and put me in a wheel chair for good, instead of just on my really bad days like now....I try to be as positive as I can most days, but like anyone, I have my lows....
Comments
I went to the shooting range with my younger brother on sunday, it was nice to get out of the house for a while, I havnt been out to do anything in well over a month, not counting going to dinner with my wife that is. So it was nice to get out for a while, my nephew and one of my neices was there as well, we all had fun trying the different guns, and showing the kids the safe way to shoot and handle a weapon. Then I got home......oooohhh I hurt SO BAD, I was only there for 2 hours, but I havnt slept since, I was up ALL night in bad pain...time to take some break thru meds and try and lay back down.
Comments
-
I'm so glad that you were able to get out and do a fun, *normal* thing - but sorry that stupid pain is punishing you for it! Does it sometimes seem to you that your body holds out until you literally walk in the door of your house, and then - out of nowhere - hits you like a ton of bricks? This happens to me often, and I wonder if it's psychological, or if I'm just crazy. Either way, I hope you get some rest and start feeling better soon! *Misa*
-
I think you are right Misa, for that short time we are trying to do something normal, I think our mind and shut out the everyday pain to a degree, or bury it maybe, but once back in our daily routine it leaves the door open for reality to come back in...I dont know, just guessing here, but we have to get out and do something once in a while, thanks to you, and all of my friends for being here! T
-
Thats great that you went out and had some FUN woo whoooo...
I know I dont do that nearly enough (Umm fun yeah what the heck is that? LOL) in fact sometimes...I have to force myself just because there is a good possibility that I will have to pay for it later.
Its like my own little "pain and energy bank" Yeah thats it... LOL! HA ha ha... thats what it seems like to me sometimes... :0) and well... the price is just a little too high and I cant afford it and Id rather just save up for something else- Ok... aNNywAAAyyy...
Hopefully the hurtin was worth it and you know... I bet it WAS! :)
Good for you!
We should ALL try and think about doing more of that ...
Dont we feel bad enough without other people laying "their" issues on us?!? Seeing me hurt and in pain stresses "other" people out, and makes them upset?!?! SO!! Do you think I frigging like being like this? I have said it before and I will say it again, this is why I have to hide how I really feel most of the time just to keep the peace with others. I am so depressed today, I wish I could get away for a while....
Comments
-
This entry caught my attention. I know what you mean, we had a family reunion this fall (I am not very comfortable in social situations)and I kept having people come up to me and have such a look of ?sympathy? on their faces and say "oh I can tell you're hurting and I just hate to see you this way" I'm sure 'some' meant that in the nicest way (my Dad always says "the meanest thing you can say about someone is that they mean well". Anyway I thought I was standing up pretty straight and faking my way through it but apparently not. Needless to say I didn't stay long.
It made me want to wear a sign around my neck that said "lie to me..tell me I look great".
I wish you well!Kon
Past Entries
| November 2008 |
|
Friday, 11/14
|
|
Tuesday, 11/11
|
|
October 2008 |
|
Tuesday, 10/28
|
|
Thursday, 10/23
|
|
Friday, 10/17
|
|
Tuesday, 10/14
|
You better keep strong friend as I know you can. Have faith and keep strong. Jan
MemL
Tim, we are all down at one point in our lives and I can certainly understand your frustration. Please read my new journal entry for today - it says it all. We must be thankful for what we have and know that there is always someone worse off. Hugs, Jan
MemL
Thanks Jan, I am hanging in there, but this is a good way to vent, and express ourselfs, via these journals.
TimColorado