Journal

Just to add some spice, so you know my context and a bit more about how I came to be interested in women's issues...

The short:

Girl goes into operating theatre to have appendix removed, girl leaves theatre minus appendix, also minus fallopian tube and minus ovary, and minus 15x 15 cm ovarian cyst...

The long:

Day 1: When I was 16 I suddenly had the worst abdominal cramps I'd ever experienced. I thought it was just menstrual pain as usual...

Day 2: Tears, pain, skipped school as I couldn't walk upright anymore because of the pain.  Went to see a GP. He sent me home with medication for irritable bowel syndrome.

Day 3: Meds useless, visited the medical centre. Had no medical aid (think thats health insurance), general check and a referal letter to go to the government hospital for appendectomy.

Day3: Visit government hospital where emergencies get treated first (those who leak fluids and walk about with gunshot wounds and axes attached to their heads, seriously, this actually happened). I waited for three hours before being seen by a doc on duty who informed me that the surgeons were in theatre and i waited for two more hours before I tried to steal my folder and leave... pain subsided, tired of waiting, went home to wait it out and see if the pain would stay away.

Day 4: The pain was back, couldn't walk again. Carried back to same government hospital, luckily not saturday night so the drunken cases weren't around, surgeon admits me to hospital, books appendectomy for next day.

Day 5: Go for pre-op scans, nurse turns ultra sound away from my view and hurries out of the room, surgeons appear, I'm wheeled into theatre urgently, they can't wait for my parents, I sign the consent form myself, worried that my appendix had burst. Hours later I wake from the misty haze of anasthesia to hear the nurse saying 'shame, it's a pity, and she is so young, i can't believe it'.

I woke up to discover that I did not suffer from irritable bowel syndrome, my appendix was healthy, but removed in any case, just incase, and so was my right ovary and fallopian tube and a huge cyst which had formed around both. I cried and sighed and mourned my loss, not understanding that I still had the other half of the reproductive system intact, fearing the results of scan, praying it was a benign cyst and not a malignant tumor.

 I received no counselling pre-op, I was not informed about what all would be removed, and post-op I was left with unanswered questions regarding what would take the place of the missing space, whether i would have a period every second month, whether i would be able to conceive, how i could be sure if my uterus was still around when they just took away so much of my body already.

I felt violated and robbed, as if they had stolen something so precious and so important to me. I know now that the other set of ovary + fallopian tube is still around and still functional and so i am blessed and thankful, but at that moment I felt as if my entire world had come tumbling down.

There was a time where I felt like less of a woman for having an incomplete reproductive system, it felt as if every other woman was genetically superior to me. I wondered what I had done to deserve such a punishment.

Now I look at my scars (seven cm diagonal: appendix, five cm horizontal: ovary, fallopian tube) with pride, and realise that that moment was the start of a great journey, marking the beginning of my transition into adulthood. I don't count my womanhood from my first period, but from the moment at which I first became truly conscious of my femininity.

The gathering information part of my research process has been very informative! It is great to know that there are so many women who feel exactly as I do. It makes the world a little brighter and my load a little lighter  

I have posted the same discussion topic in various support groups: pcos, hysterectomy, breast cancer, cervical cancer, ovarian cancer. I sought out a few groups dealing with woman issues on the premise that a woman's body is vital to her identity and when something happens that affects the normal alignment of the body, the woman's feminine identity would be affected.

However today I realised that it was not just women who shared the feminine identity, but also men who identified as women, such as intersexed and transgendered people. This opened a whole new area to think about: what makes a woman, who decides whether you are woman enough, and by what standards... was sex and gender mutually exclusive, did having a uterus make you more of a woman, if your cells were abnormal were you genetically less of a woman than any other woman.... did biology even matter when it was possible for a man's body to betray his inner feelings of identifying as a woman.

Regardless of all variables, we have the common bond that our bodies betrayed us in various ways, and each of us is learning to deal with it. The stories of dealing with and negotiating femininity in the context of reproductive issues so inspired and motivated me.

Everyone is so willing to share and I am very happy with the posts that have been coming in response to the forum threads I have created. With all your help I am well on my way to realising my goal!