Journal

I just recently was discharged from the hospital for the 5th time. A minor set back. The really odd part of this admission is that the doctor found a new condition. pseudotumor cerebri. Otherwise know as a false brain tumor. The cause they think was exposure to radiation from when I was in the military. Turns out I had four mini strokes the week before I went in for help and have now lost vision in my left eye. The only good thing is that most of my illness can be attributed to this condition. The bad news is that it is so rare there is no cure just carefull monitoring. Plus one of the major side effects is blindness. I am a little sad about this but I am still clinging to my hope.

I have a wonderful husband and two beautiful daughters but none of that seems real right now. I've been here before familar feelings yet now I understand that I would have to be very selfish to let any of this out. It would destroy everything I have. It will always be my struggle and a constant battle that will lay dormint sometimes. I guess my trigger is happiness I don't know how to except it. When things are going good that is when I feel the worst. I am very tired of it but I know it doesn't last more than a couple of weeks. I just don't see myself in the mirror. I see someone else. At least my meds control the visuals some what. I still don't think that I am me or that any of this is really going on. rant rant rant. just rambling on