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  From SST November 5

  Sometime this year, we taxpayers may again receive an Economic Stimulus payment.
  
  This is a very exciting new program. I will explain it using the Q and A format:
  
  Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
  A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
  
  Q. Where will the government get this money?
  A. From taxpayers.
  
  Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
  A. Only a smidgen.
  
  Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
  A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
  
  Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
  A. Shut up.
  
  Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
  
  * If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China .
  * If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
  * If you purchase a computer, it will go to India .
  * If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala .
  * If you buy a car, it will go to Japan .
  * If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
  * If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
  
  Instead, keep the money in America by:
  
  1 spending it at yard sales, or
  2 going to hockey/ball games, or
  3 spending it on prostitutes, or
  4 beer or
  5 tattoos.
  
  (These are the only American businesses still operating in the US ..)
  
  ***
  I'm going to go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that I met at a yard sale, and drink beer! Just call me a patriot.

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  From SST November 1

  I like cowboy stories
  
  
  A young cowboy walks into the town cafe. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.
  
  After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?" The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."
  
  Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.
  
  The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

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  Superhero Status

  From Rainer October 29

  Hello Sid. Just wanted to stop by and say hello and wish you a wonderful weekend. Did I tell you about Ainsley's costume? Lol. SO cute.

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  Hug

  From SST October 17

  Subject: Acts 2:38
  A woman had just returned to her home from an evening
  
  of church services, when she was startled by an intruder.
  
  She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its
  
  valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!'
  (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so
  
  that your sins may be forgiven.)
  
  The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly
  
  called the police and explained what she had done.
  
  As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked
  
  the burglar: 'Why did you just stand there? All the old
  
  lady did was yell a scripture to you.'
  
  'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an
  
  ax and two 38s!'
  
  

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  From SST October 8

  Don't know if it's true but it is funny!
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma! This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.
  
  
  
  Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana . He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 FM in Ft. Wayne , Indiana , who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.
  
  
  
  
  Hi Sue,
  
  Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
  
  Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all
  Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
  
  As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool.
  So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature..
  It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.
  
  Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.
  What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water.. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
  
  Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. With in a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.
  
  The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it.. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.
  
  When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.
  
  I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.
  
  Needless to say I aborted the dive.. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.
  
  When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.
  
  The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.
  So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.
  
  Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'
  
  Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?
  
  May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!
  
  

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