Journal

just an update on where im at..well Monday i will be one of the new seniors..YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!..its been such a rough ride here.. but like any rough ride i've ever been on i held on..at certain points i even closed my eyes but never said to hell with it..that is very shocking seeing its ''me'' im talking about..i feel like i've been climbing out of this hole i dug for myself soooo long and when i drop a pebble in it i still dont hear the bottom ''yet''..but i hold on to the yet because thats one of my undefeating words..i have a new set of little motivating words that keep me going...i have bills galore and limited income but i try not grasp financial insecurity..i make a way and it all seems to work out in the end..got a new saying from saint pauls church up here ''God has already worked it out b4 i even get there''so i shouldnt sweat it..just a few beads every now and then because im still working on my faith it seems..i have such an issue with it i dont know whether its my pride or im not hummble enough..but i know its something to do with the 2..then theres that insane relationship i've been in and hes supposed to go to detox monday but i dont know 4 sure..this is what he ''tells''me ..he lost his phone wed ???getting beer out of a truck in the storm and it got under water and he couldnt find it...lol...thats all i'l say on this subject even though its heartbreaking to watch whats happening to him and his life..he called from somebodys phone threatening to kill hisself and i talked to him most of thurs nite..i was exhausted yesterday because of it..i dont even know what to say hes getting ready to go to prision and wants me to wait and i dont have the heart to break up with him because he says im whats keeping him going..i know i said i wasnt going to talk about it but its a rough spot to be in..moving on kittys have finally bonded ..wow..never thought that would happen its been like samson and delilah since i put them together..now theyre like 2 lovebirds and yes i am a tad bit jealous at the moment..he even went to get her when i went to feed him this morning ..amazing he wants to ''share''....i guess thats what i have to look to...things,people,even animals can change..its just a process..the key.. not giving up threw it all...this was good for me to share i think its added insight i needed..good saturdays 2  ya.

first weekend alone since the breakup..i've got 2 work in the morning and cant stop mourning something thats probably not even worth a second thought..i just feel RAW...it freakin sucks sooooo bad right now..i know this too shall pass but its so rough going threw it..he called me earlier and told me he pawned his big screen tv to pay his friends gas bill and theres no electricity in the house but they were at the liquor store ....made a lot of sense????..at least to him..i cant believe im even still talking to him...i have a long ways to go to get healthy in the head at least emotionally..that a big difference in me today than the way i use to be today im able 2 see my part in things..its not his fault he's scewed up its mine for screwing with him..lol..i feel a little better..this journaling really works getting it all out..i going to try and go 2 sleep ..hope this idea worked...just a vent.