Journal

Well it's been almost a month now since my grandfather past away. I saw the witch and it took all my might not to say anything to her. She had the nerve to say hello. But I just kept on walking. His apple trees that we got in rememberance of him (since we have no where to go and visit him) are doing well. We made our own place to go to talk to him. That is sad that we had to do that. I still can't believe that she had the nerve to creamate him even before the funeral.

I'm also nervous because me 5 year old daughter with CPP starts kindergarden in a few days. I'm so scared for her. But so far I think she is okay with it. But I can see I'll have my problems with her becuase she thinks she only has to go when she wants to.

Then also I found out about my 15 year old son that is starting high school smokes pot. I'm still in shock over that one.

Then I find out that my husband's brother is out of jail. He is just a waste case. He is no good. All he does is cause this family more problems. I wish that he would just keep to himself. He has only been out now 3 days now and he has called for something since day 1. I told my husband that I married him and not his brother. I shouldn't have to rearrainge my schedule because he needs a ride here and there. I will NOT do it.

Does it get any better? Will it ever get better? I hope so but I'm loosing faith. I feel like I'm going to flip out. Why does life have to be so difficult? I don't understand people always told me that god never gives us more than we can handle. I think I'm at my limit. I hope so any ways.

Well my grandfather's funeral was on Saturday. I was so upset. That women couldn't even wait to cremate him until after the service. I felt like I didn't get to say goodbye. There was just his box. My family and I put together some pictures and an apple tree to his service. I decieded to get the apple trees instead of flowers because flowers just die and plus with the apple trees that we planted will remind us of him. When we were little we used to go apple picking with him and also made homemade apple cider. That was the best. We went there and we felt so out of place. No one still got the picture. My son had a hard time at the service. So I put all my attention on him. And yes I went home drank and cried.

   I guess there was something afterwards at my uncle house where my grandfather used to live. But I couldn't go there and be around those people. This really tore my family up. Yes it is a shame but I guess it happens. Or maybe not. I don't know.

   But now that he is laid to rest and I know that he is not up there at that nursing home suffering anymore; hopefully it gets easier.  

   Well I have to go now. Hopefully this work week will go fast. Thank you all very much for your support. I needed it bad. THANK YOU!!!!

Well today I'm going up to see my grandfather and it terrifies me to see how much more he is wasting away. But I want him know that I'm there. I haven't spoken to any of my uncle or aunts since they told me no that I couldn't bring him home. I don't know how I should feel. (mad,upset,ect.)

 My son is almost done with summer school and I think it was the best thing for him. Even though it has been frustrating to leave work to go pick him up. But as long as he passing to go foward I don't care. My boss is very understanding. I have done alot for him.

My daughter is doing well. She starts school in September and that terrifies me. I think she is going to give me a hard time about going. She is like glued to me. It's going to be hard on us both.

 I have written my sister in law and that is working out better. But what ever my mother did to her she os not going to let her guard down at all. I know she has said that she has said some things but she won't tell me what they are. I'm not going to push it. But now I put myself in a spot to where we are having cook outs and my mother is always at my house so do I still invitte them? I don't know. I told her that she will have to get the courage up and one day go to my mothers house with no one there and have it out with her. That is the only way that things are going to work out. But she even gives up on that. I don't know why.

Well I'll be busy for the weekend so I'll return on Monday. Hopefully things will get better.