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bekahdolphin33 
I just don't know what to do some days. I am going through a divorce WHILE going through chemo for a rare bone tumor which is up in my head. So anytime my head hurts I worry. Anytime my fiace hurts I worry. I just hope its the chemo working. I am on methadone 3x a day for pain control. So all of that combined renders me unable to work, which sucks. I hate not being able to work. I love being able to go out and do something. Now all I do is sit at home and watch TV. I know I could do something from home. I should try. Then at least I won't go compeletly bonkers. I have a talent for digital photo restoration, I know I could do that. If I only really set my self up and tried. I need to be able to say "I can be self sufficient" because my husband told me once that I would never survive on my own without him. I feel like that is true, I feel myself falling and falling and I can't stop. I need to be caught. Sometimes I feel like God has caught me, but sometimes I feel so alone and so sad that I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs "help me now dammit" Where is everyone? Why in the hell am I all alone in this? I have no friends..how sad is that? 33 yr old mom with no friends. All I have is my mom and my grandma and my family. I know that is more than some others, some people don't even have family and are really alone in this. I left an abusive husband, he did not beat me , no not physically. He hurt me in other ways, emotionally-mentally. He could verbally destroy me in a few sentences. I always fought back, which just caused the cycle to worsen. I was a fighter though. I always let him know he went too far when he said things to me. Like the time he said "WELL IF YOU WEREN'T SO IGNORANT YOU WOULD GET IT" I came back at him ripping him a new one. He said that with my mom in the house, he never cared for her so he did not give a dam if she heard him being a rude mean jerk to me. All we did was fight, he would be verbally abusive and I would fight back like a wild cat and scream and yell and curse him out. He would be all "I don't yell and curse at you" I would tell him no what you do is worse, you parse words and cut me down like I am nothing every minute of the day. Writing this now makes me realize that I am nuts for thinking of going back to him. He won't change, he is an abuser, and they don't change ever. They stay locked in their ways, becuse they don't think they are ever wrong. At least not until someone says HEY YOU WERE WRONG! Then they admit it right? Ugh, I am whining. The worst part of all of this is my son, we have shared custody. One week with me, one week with his daddy, which I HATE but its what we agreed to, the ONLY thing he would agree to, really. Without getting a judge involoved. I feel so stupid, but I had my attorney there so I did what they said to do. I just hope this agreement does not last a really long time.
I have a giant cell tumor in my maxillary sinus on the left side. This is the 3rd time this tumor has surfaced on my face, the first 2 times it was on the right and I had surgery, the last surgery was in 2002 and I had to have my orbital bone removed and metal put in its place. With the last 2 surgeries and tumors my upper pallet has detoriated to the point that any surgery now would end up with my entire upper pallet being removed. So my quality of life would be deeply diminished. So surgery is OUT, my new doctor who is one of the top head & neck surgeons at MD Anderson Cancer Center here in Houston, has presented my case to the entire department. They all agree that surgery is not the best route for me, considering the outcome and the fact I have a 10 month old. So my new option of treatment? Radiation/Chemo....which scares my socks off. I have no idea about any type of radiation or chemo yet, I still have to see those doctors. I do know I want my daily pain to end, I do know I want this tumor gone, I am tired of it ripping through my skull. I just don't know what to expect or where I fit in.....((sigh))
