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kherald 
9:55am, June 10, 2009
Well I am up again tonight it seems the past couple of weeks I have had the worst nights....not been able to stay asleep to much on the brain......I get really comfy the my legs bother me with my RLS and then I have to go to the bathroom....uggggg.......I try to keep going back to sleep but it doesn't work.......Oh well......so I said let me just jott a note down in my journal.......I am going crazy with trying to stop gambling and getting so sick of my own bullshit......I keep having bad dreams bout it too...figures huh......I am going on 3 years sober and I feel like crap.......I feel like I am a failure for some reason and I cannot do things right....I know it took me a long time to get sober but this is bothering me because I know better............I am just getting fed up....maybe that will help me....hopefully if I keep getting mad about it I will do something about it....I hope so...............I did start getting back to my old meetings so that is a good thing...I just have to keep going....stay on the right path...........I really flt funny like I was a bad girl for missing meetings but when I shared that I had missed thm for awhile everyone was like you are always welcome and just get bck in the swing again.......FOR ONCE I WAS HONEST.............I actually was talking about how I struggle with GOD and I am doing everything my way and fighting everything tooth and nail........I got alot of great feedback and I know I am not alone there was alot of people that where struggling when they had the same anount of time as me and said it was because I was trying to hard....I have to just let it happen..........I am getting all mixed up with this God's will....my will......just do the owrk and the rest will follow.........sounds easy right?
LOL...I wish.....anyway I am just rambling on and hope everyone else is dooing good.......I will try my best to keep up with the groups and my journals because everyone here always helps me....I Love DS...........
Well goodnite and God Bless
Kathy
Comments
Hi Kathy,
Thanks for your note on my journal.... yes, we all struggle with it; never comes easy, but it's worth it when you experience some of those little successes. I'm happy for you that you are getting back in the swing of things; for me, I did go to GA meetings at one time; had 30 days in and they made a big deal out of it and gave me a key holder . . . so at the moment I felt good but went off the wagon - and - I have to say I could never go back into that meeting. Funny - but I'm sure if I did it would be just like yours where they are all understanding and make you feel welcome again. Glad you're doing better; yes, everyone here is helpful; we are lucky to have found this site!
Take good care,
Smokeygirl
smokeygirl
Kath
I am glad u r sharing here and glad I saw it. At least u r writing your thought as you dont talk about them, at least with me, which is fine! I am glad u shared at the meeting as well! Thats why I told u working together wasnt going to work and why they say dont pick a friend as a sponcor those are the ones we seem to not tell what is really going on. In my humble opinon u need to find a SPONCOR and work the steps with them. I know u r doing a 4th with me, but honestly until u get the God thing IT IS WHY u are struggling and it is WHY I struggled for 5 yearsI am not to sure I like that people said u r trying so hard as i dont see the right now lol but thats me When i see u write I see work being done. ONLY YOU KNOW what you are honestly doing! It wasnt till i was so so so sick of my lies did I finally find a HP and work on Donna. You should be VERY proud of your self for your 3 years as you did WORK VERY HARD to finally get here! YOU CAN stop gambling if you really want to! We can do anything!!! CHANGE what you dont like! yes easy for me tosay but I KNOW cuz I had to and still have to work on it. I LOVE U SO VERY MUCH! PRAYING and I AM ALWAYS HERE FOR YOU NO MATTER WHAT!!!!!!!!!!! Donna your best friend!
ds13099