Journal

Well I have not been on here in ages and I have not wanted to write any of my feelings down I have been depressed all the time and put myself into a hole where I dug myself deeper and deeper.I have not been going to my support groups as often as I am suppose to....I have gambled off and on and I keep losing and going back for more.............I am in debt up to my eyeballs and I am living with my mother who has her own issues to..........I just want to scream most days and I know all of this is of my own making...................I just don't get the energy to kick myself in the ass and do anything about it so I am trying to begin here by venting my feeling and letting you know all I can do is cry and look down on myself and my meds aren't working so I am just hanging on ........ I know it is not all about the meds it is about the self help but I know I can find it in these rooms I hope to find my friends again.................I need support and people to talk to.................I have not been here so people probably thought I would never come back but I am back and I need support please help me guys................................I don't want to keep feeling this way.......I know I am a mess up most of the time but I know someone has been where I am at. So today I am venting and I am trying to change my ways because the pain is deep and I need to reach out........this is one of the ways I know how.................

Thanks for listening

Well hello all I have been so tired lately and it is because I am not taking care of my health I have to clean my slate.....I have had my time of the month for three months now and I am enemic and tired all the time and because of my fear of doctors I have not gotten it taken care of ............I have been really sick the last couiple of days really bad though......and it is now coming to a head.....I know now I have to take care of it...........I was on the phone with a friend because I was like maybe I should go to the ER but then when she told me how uch it will end up costing me I am better off just waiting for an GYN.........I have let it go this far anyway!!!!!!.............I go to a program for mental illness during the week and they were ready to take me to the hospital on Friday but I would not let them............I did share in group about my fears of either going through early menapause or maybe just needing a D& C and alot of the women agreed with me but then there where some who scared the shit out of me and told me I might need a hestorectomy.................OMG I am only 39 and I don't even know wether I want kids......this sucks........................

SO anyway I hope I did not offend anyone and gross you out but I am struggling because of this problem and I do not know what to do.................BUT I HAVE BEEN GF FOR 16Days.......boy did I want a drink last night though......I just thought maybe it would help the pain and then I thought yeah temporarily then I woulod have to face how I threw 3 years away..............well I know my mental health is effected by my physical so I am all screwed up right now I can hardly get it all together but it finds its way........I hope someone got something from this or has had the same problems and might be able to advice..........................

I think I might go lay down again I am feeling weak...........

SO God Bless everyone and hope all is well..........

well 12 days GF and I am hanging in there........I don't know how I have done these past few days probably one help is not alot of money...............I also seee how happy my mom is...........jut a couple of days and you would think I won a marathon or something she is so proud of me........but I guess i should be proud of myself this has been really hard..........I also know I have been reaching out for others more..............I forgot I had signed up to be on the 24 hr AA hotline and this women with 2yrs 8 mnths called the other day and needed to talk we talked for 1  1/2 hrs and then she said she was feeling better.....she had gotten so mixed up in the politics of NA and AA and so forth and forgot the purpose and by me helping her it made me rememeber the perpuse is to stay sober.........place all other principles aside.

I felt so much better I could not go back to sleep and it was 4:30 in the am.....LOL........but it was ok.......I know for now I will keep my focus on just staying sober & GF for the day and not worry about all these other things going on in my life because they are a result ogf the gambling right now......and if that keeps going they will go to.............So anyway I have a long day ahead of me with my program and I will be doing alot of writing today I think.......

I hope veryone is doing well and thank you for yourinput it really helps.......

GOD BLESS.......ODAAT>>>>>JFT GF