ashley1261's Journal

 I can't seem to get better no matter how hard I try. I have been feeling really down lately. I just had a fabulous weekend with my family and now I am back at college and everything just feels so depressing again. I wish I had a magic wand to make things better instantly. Everyday I look at myself and wish that some, if not all, parts of me were different. I really do have a distorted body image and I feel like it only gets worse as time goes on. Today I went into Old Navy to buy a pari of shorts (something that I literally had to drag myself to do), and when I was in the dressing room trying them on, they looked SO swful on me and all I wanted to do was just sit there and force myself to look at how fat I was in them just to give me motivation to diet. and not even 5 min. ago I just had a bunch of chocolate. what is wrong with me??? Its like I don't learn from anything that I do. I wish I had the willpower to just starve myself until summer bc I refuse to go on a beach looking like this. It absolutely will NOT happen. There is only about a month more of school to go and I am so ready for it to be over. I am not doing so well in about 1/2 of my classes and I'm afraid that I am not going to be able to do well when it comes down to finals. At the same time I feel like I don't even care- why try so hard when you know you are going to fall every time? I know it is pathetic but that is what I have resorted to for most everything in my life now. my mom always tells me to appreciate what I have and be happy to be healthy and living, and etc. but I am far from any of that. I am not healthy, I am not happy, and I am not pleased with hardly any part of my body. Sometimes, I just wish that God would kill me so that I wouldn't have to suffer like this everyday.