serenityseeker's Journal

Hey all

Haven't had any more urges thanks be to HP.  I am trying to analyze me less...and the addiction also.  I have had this long enough to know that wherever I am in my life, that it is certain to change again soon.  Good to bad, to middle of the road, pits of depression, in a pink fog...whatever.  I used to feel guilty or Less Than or something when these moods came or went.  I thought it was my responsibility to stay middle of the road all the time when you were in recovery.  I also thought it would keep me from gambling if my moods were moderate.  Of course, you know, the joke was on me.  Cuz the only thing that works for me is ONE DAY AT A TIME.

 I hate this f....ng addiction, I resent all the time and money and things it stole from me.  It pisses me off that I have to avoid casinos and VLT's and racetrack.  I feel sad that I cannot remember a time before when gambling was not a part of my life and hurting me.  The money spent is actually the least of my resentments.  I never had much respect for money...no one in my family ever did.  My father was also a CG, Poker mainly.  He gambled until they cut off his toes from diabetes and he couldn't get out of the house...he only tried to be GF for about 30 days and then he just went back to the poker clubs.

I wasted so much time over twenty years with this damn disease...was not available for my family...they did not even know I had this problem for about 15 years...but as it is progressive, eventually it all came out and all the ugly name calling and guilt and shame happened.

Today, I just know that I am what I am a Compulsive Gambler...I do not sit around moping any more.  I just try to stay in the moment and not to rain on any one else's parade either.  I have mostly good days these days and hope I am prepared for those that are not as good.

I resisted some strong urges the other day and so today I went and rewarded myself for standing my ground.  I bought a new computer workstation...of course it had to be assembled...omg...I put it together and took it apart 4 times and I never did get it finished today...there were no instructions...just pictures and ones that did not make sense to me.

I love a good challenge and I just kept at it.  I am 3/4 done but had my fill for the day.  It feels so good to be good to myself...cuz I was miserable to my self for years and hated myself.  I could never get out of my head...thoughts and worries, guilt and shame, embarrassment, scheming, plotting, lying whirling around in my brain day in and day out.  Lordy...and yet I carried on that way for 2 decades....talk about insanity.  Of course, the money too...not what I spent...that didn't bother me.  What I didn't have to keep me going till the next payday...that's what bothered me...how could I do this or do that or whatever....

I am so blessed to have gotten to this point in my life...I cannot believe my blessings.

Life is going along so much better for now.

On page 83 of the AA Big Book, in the Chapter called "Into Action"...it is talking about turning our lives over to a Higher Power and living a recovery program by working the Steps.  It says:

"If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.  We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.  We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on itl  We will comprhend the the word serenity and we will know peace.  No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.  That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappearl  We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.  Self-seeking will slip away.  Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.  Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.  We will instinctively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.  We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises?  We think not.  They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.  They will always materialize if we work for them."

I recall hearing about these promises many times in the process of my attending GA meetings.  Unfortunately, I never gave myself enough of a chance to see if these promises could happen for me.  Now I am giving it my all....and the promises are all happening for me.

Please do not be like I was...trying to fight against the reality of my addiction.  Once you can really "surrender"...life can start over...even at 62 years old.  Woo Hoo!!

Blessings all

Love Mary