serenityseeker's Journal

Yesterday a friend told me to remember my gratitude list from right after relapsing and to compare it to present.  Amazing difference...

I have shared this poem with a few in the past...but it is one I wrote the day following a relapse when I was with my stepmother, who was trying to help me get recovered.

YOU AND ME AND THE ADDICT

You welcome us wholeheartedly into your home, your life, your heart

Not knowing what will lie ahead

The addict and I arrive together

We are one

But we are also separate

I arrive hopeful, scared, eager, cautious

The addict arrives unseen

Sullen, patient, waiting

We are a triad

You and me and the addict

I am physically large

Immense in body size

A mass also of discontent

Quiet, fearful, appreciative

Ready for Serenity

Ready for positive growth and experience

Enveloped in your warmth and acceptance I believe I will thrive

You give me strength

I feel safe, I feel loved

I want to reciprocate

I want to reach out

To touch, feel, experience life fully and gloriously

I am hopeful

I am very small in spirit

Like a speck of dust

But I am alive and willing

The addict is invisible

Unseen for long periods

Never, ever gone, stalking me endlessly

The addict is immense in power

The addict is cold, hurtful, resistant

Fears nothing, knows everything

The addict is unafraid

The addict is waiting for any opening, any sign of weakness

The addict cares for nothing except gratification and control

You and I and the addict

We try to live together in harmony

It is not perfect, but it suits you and I

We try to help each other

We try to co-exist

Respecting each other

Loving each other

But the addict though unseen is ever present

The addict linked to the devil perhaps

Constantly tempting, putting on the pressure

Reminding me of what I am not

Not yet happy, feeling separate, unsure, scared

The addict quietly eases into my brain

Overtakes my spirit

Destroys my sense of self

Laughs at me and my pathetic hopes

Torments me day and night

You continue your wholehearted support

I accept with thanks

The addict, still alive, cannot stand the quiet

Seeking chaos, control, a need to take over

Inching over a little each hour, each day

She appears and beats me down again

When the addict is in action

I am gone - truly not to be found

It is not an excuse

The addict is overwhelming

Blocking out me and my soul

Stealing my dreams, hope and desires

I am again nothing

Then the addict having won another battle

Goes into hiding

Leaving you and me alone, for a while

Leaving though, the addict has changed us

Our relationship is different

You try not to judge me

You continue to support

More guardedly perhaps

I feel ashamed, guilty, remorseful

So confused

For it is not me who did these things

Made the mistakes

But the addict leaves me

To bear the pain, feel the shame

It is my burden

We are one then, me and the addict

It starts again the triad

I grow some, learn some

My spirit comes to life

Just when I think I may make it

The addict out of nowhere for no reason arrives

and takes over

Never am I strong enough to fight and win

I hold on with all my might

But the addict so far has always won

Soon I feel I will no longer have the strength

To try and fight

The battles are always lost by me

They have become increasingly more violent

More and more of me disappears with each loss

The addict is consuming me

Eating me alive

The addict is like the flesh eating disease

It is speedy and so destructive

All my internal antibiotics cannot stop it

I, shrivelled to nothing

Reach out to the Universe or something

What?

The treatment centre, my child and grandchildren

Something yet unknown

Soon I will be gone

There will be nothing of me left

The addict will be all I am

There will be no separation

And you will not be able to tell I am gone

Only the addict and I will know

For now I am still here

Still trying to fight

But so is the addict

Pray for me to be the victor

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I was a pretty unhappy person then...I have to say, although I do not have much clean time in at present...I do feel different...I feel I can be victorious...it will be a long, slow uphill climb, but I am more determined than ever before to make it to the top of the heap.

I would appreciate your prayers for my success and I wish for all of you...strength, hope, willingness, love

Blessings

Mary