tigerlilymel's Journal

well i am still on a liquid diet. i hate eating pureed foods...its disgusting and i dont ever feel full. but every time i swallow anything my back hurts so so bad...i dont get it. i hate it. i went to my friends baby shower yesterday. it was hard...there was cake and candy. i didnt indulge. it made me upset. i just hate that things aren't normal. i am not getting the right nutrition, so i am worried i will need to go back to the hospital. get a feeding tube. all of these worries just weigh on my mind. i have gained so much....25lbs in under a month. i weigh 150 now. i dont feel like myself. i didnt realize how much the prednisone and medications affected me until i saw the pictures taken last night at the baby shower. my boyfriend saw them and said he barely recognized me. even my best friend danielle was shocked. i just wish i could be back to normal. nobody deserves this disease. and i know it could be worse...so much worse...but it takes such a toll mentally and emotionally, as well as physically. and dammit, i need pain meds and my doc wont give them up! stupid assholes.