InkyBlot's Journal

So I had surgery last Tuesday, which means it's been a week now. It was supposed to have a real quick recovery time - laparoscopic cystectomy - what with only 3 incisions... I still feel like there is a ton of air in me 'cuz they blew me up like a balloon so they could look around inside. I'm nauseous and my stomach is cramping, which I suppose is probably because both my roommates are sick, but it's hurting soooo bad. Mostly because my insides are still so sore and I'm apparently immune to painkillers. They make me jittery instead of drowsy and don't do much in the way of numbing the pain. Had to have them try me on 3 different kinds to get some relief, but still can't sleep. Plus I hate taking pills. Even little things for a headache or cramps or such nonsense I avoid taking until the problem is causing me so much grief. I just want to be recovered and not in pain anymore so that I can get a good night's sleep and maybe turn off my brain for a bit.

The most I seem to get is 5 hours tops, which is fine for normal activity but I need more for healing. The day I had the surgery they told me I would go home and sleep... no such luck, got about an hour and a half nap and that was it.

Sooooo frustrated. Doesn't help that it's November and all the crazy thoughts are going through my head again. Thoughts of cutting... thoughts of what happened...

It's been almost 2 years since I've cut, I still think about it though, still there in my mind waiting, taunting me.

Last year I almost did, but luckily this great guy walked in and stopped me before I broke the skin. Lucky for me he loves me and now I've been dating him since March. He's a beautiful soul.

But I can't stop all the swirling spinning circling thoughts in my head about what happened... It'll be 3 years since that day, that night, at the end of the month...  and everything is still so fresh like it was yesterday. And nobody but me knows all the horid little details of that night, what I can even remember anyway, but I feel like I remember it more vividly the more I ponder, and I can't stop my mind's racing. I wish I could curl up in a blanket with a mug of hot cider and just talk it out of my head... but there is nobody there to listen.

And I've told my wonderful boyfriend, probably more details than I should have. He was so still and didn't say a word and he looked upset. I thought he was angry with me but he said he was angry that someone would do that to me. I couldn't talk to him about it anymore after that, I hate to see him upset.

I don't have a counselor, I've been to one in the past and it didn't really do me much good. I went to another one because it was free while I was still in school; but I'm out of school now and I've got student loans to pay off and rent and bills and I just don't have the money to go to see one, and I don't know what my insurance would cover, but then wouldn't my work be aware of what I was doing? That's not something that I'm looking for because I work for my uncle and my family talks a lot, I don't need to be the subject of discussion.

So here I sit stuck in this downward spiral. The lovely boyfriend has been asking me lately what's wrong, he reads me too well. I always tell him nothing but he knows something is up. I suppose I could tell him, vaguely at least, what's in my head right now pulling me down. At least then he wouldn't wonder so much. Maybe I will next time he asks, but I don't want to burden him with any details of it all.

And then of course there are my girls, as a youth ministry small group leader I feel that I'm supposed to have it all together - clearly I don't. I can't figure out what to do, I talked with the woman in charge of my group, kind of told her what I'm dealing with. It's complicated by some of the things some of my girls are dealing with, and I'm not sure how to handle it. My heart goes out to them but it is triggering for me to know what they are going through. But I'm 2 years without so I should be able to help somone else. That's why I'm doing it, I feel the need - knowing full well that it isn't within my power or responsibility - to protect them from what I've been though. Wouldn't wish it on anyone, and feeling so powerless to stop it all.

She says that my story has the potential to be redemptive and helpful to these girls, but only if I can first see it's redeeming qulaities. I can, I see them. But I don't feel them. Somewhere I feel that I can forgive him for what he did to me, but I can't forgive myself for letting it happen. I can't forgive myself for settling out of court and not speaking up/reporting it because I can't forgive myself for the (at least) 2 other young women who were hurt by him as well. I could have prevented that.

And maybe I can't forgive him really, I feel like I can, but I can't even cry over the whole thing. 3 years later and all the pain is still stuck inside, I can't get it out. I thought/think that if I could be able to cry over it I might be able to have closure. It's over, I'm stuck with a gag order that would cost me a pretty penny to break. 

But I can see how my story could help the girls, I can see it. And I want to make it help them. But the woman in charge make me think that maybe it first has to help me. I don't know. Maybe I'm just trying to rationalize the irrational. Maybe the drug induced lack of sleep the past week has made me crazy. Maybe I'll always be stuck inside my own head. I don't know. But it's stressful and I feel like crap. And I'm sure that all the crazy in my head is making the surgery recovery longer, and now combined with getting sick... it's all just so ridiculous. What a snowball effect, when can the melt come? My internal monologue is never-ending I suppose, but I sure wish that it would take a break sometime and leave me in peace for long enough to fall asleep calm.