woodnymph486's Journal

Soooooo....Todd has cheated on me once that I know of- while I was still breastfeeding our youngest son son. He recieved "oral" in the next bedroom over from where my son and I were sleeping from a fat b#$% I considered a friend at the time. I didn't find out 'till weeks later when him and I seperated for another reason and she confessed to me. (long story short they both claim the other coerced them into it- I believe neither of them and consider it consenual) Todd totally believes he did nothing wrong "it's not cheating on you- she made me- plus it's only oral" But yet I'm not allowed to hug another guy, or even use the  the bedroom "toys" he bought "for me". We reconciled after months of seperation and it happened nearly 5 years ago and nothing has happened since (that I know of) Well yes this still upsets me, but there is no point in talking about it with him, we've tried time and again and it just makes us both pissed off with no progress towards healing. Well the reason this is bothering me again is because at the time he did it he was way into porn. I've never been a big fan of porn but at the time didn't care. Well since then it makes me uncomfortable and slightly angry because bad things have always happened when he gets into porn. Well in the last two weeks I've caught him watching porn twice on the computer. He tried to hide it from me but I saw it and confronted him. I just told him that it makes me feel like crap because I will never look like those women and it makes me feel worthless and unattractive. He said he doesn't understand what my problem is because he can't have any right now anyway. UMMM hello we started having sex long before the baby was three weeks old with all our other children! Plus there are lots of other things you can do for sexual gratification that don't inovlve my "stictched up area". I even offered it to him in the shower the other day and he declined, said he just wanted oral. Which I gave him. Well I thought that maybe since I talked to him and explained WHY I didn't like the porn (without bringing up the past) he would stop. BUT NO. Once again last night I woke up to change the baby at 5am (Todd NEVER sleeps at night, and frequently goes out with friends, or has them over) and he was watching porn again. I didn't say anything this time, pretended I didn't see as he hurriedly hid what he was doing. But this is really upsetting me. I already feel fat and unattractive. He won't even snuggle with me. And now I feel worse because apparently porn is so much better right now for him.  I am so afraid that this is going to lead to him cheating on me again. I'm trying to lose the weight as fast as I can- but I had the flu, and an uterine infection- PLUS I'm breastfeeding and so can't lose it too fast or my milk will dry up. I'm trying to focus on the good, I have a beautiful new baby, WOOT, but it's hard when your husband looks at porn while telling you how huge and nasty your areolas have become, how much weight you gained while pregnant that wasn't strictly "baby" how many chins you now have. I hate seeing myself naked right now- I don't want him to see me anymore, I have no clothes that fit. (my preggo clothes are too big but my "normal"clothes won't even go ON me) *sigh* I was so happy and just having had a gorgeous little princess and now over all this I'm getting seriously depressed. I tried to Nair my "mustache" yesterday thinking that doing that would help me feel a little better (I do it when it needs anyway) But I forgot I was using it and fed the baby, it stayed on too long and gave me a chemical burn. Looks awful, hurts and Todd had to make fun of my "mustache" and the ugly burns all at once. I wish I knew how to make this all better...................