lemonea's Journal

today I just want to write a big "fuck you world" across my forehead. I want to scream it at the top of my lungs.  I want to go onto facebook and myspace and everywhere else and put my status as "fuck you all". 

but i won't.

i won't post it, i won't shout it, i won't even say it to anyone out loud tonight.  For one thing, they won't understand.  My friends (outside of here) won't understand it.  Most of them are living in ignorant bliss of my "issues" and won't even begin to understand where I'm coming from. Okay maybe a few of them might get it, but most won't.  And that lack of insight, that not understand where I am coming from or the world of the major depressive leads to asking questions, wanting to talk it out, etc.  And I don't want to explain it. I don't want to hash out my feelings. I don't want to deal with their questions. 

For a few hours I just want to feel how I feel, guilt and worry free.  I just want to be sad and angry and irritable and frustrated. Bottling it up all the time just leads to major breakdowns and outbursts, and I don't want to be 'that person'.  So I thought, for just a few hours, I'd let myself feel how I feel, let the emotions take over and just be depressed for a while. I'm sick of fighting it and need to give in for a bit.  I just don't want to "come out" to the world as someone with depression. Guess I'm still fighting that stigma that everyone claims to be past when it comes to mental illness. And maybe it's a bit of shame on my part, or at least desire for privacy.  Whatever it is, it's holding me back from completely letting go, which might be a good thing; too bad it's also so incredibly frustrating.  

sorry, this probably doesn't make much sense...but it is what it is.