Journal

*posting this here instead of the main boards cause I know people will bite my head off for this, so read at your own discretion*

while I'm not unsympathetic to the death of celebrity Patrick Swayze, and truly do wish the best for his family and friends (and my thoughts and prayers are with them as they mourn their loss), I am annoyed with all the attention celebrity deaths get.  

Guess what everybody, PEOPLE DIE EVERYDAY.  Sometimes it is very tragic, while others much more peaceful, but all a loss to those who loved them.  But seriously everyone is getting all bent over someone they never even knew simply because he was in the public eye.  everyone dies.  and while i'm not saying don't mourn for those you cared about or don't feel something for those left behind, do we really need to make a public spectacle out of the death of one individual.  not only should we let his family grieve in peace, but i find it appalling how worked up people/media/etc get about celebrities but don't give a damn about the no-name average joes of the world. 

today I just want to write a big "fuck you world" across my forehead. I want to scream it at the top of my lungs.  I want to go onto facebook and myspace and everywhere else and put my status as "fuck you all". 

but i won't.

i won't post it, i won't shout it, i won't even say it to anyone out loud tonight.  For one thing, they won't understand.  My friends (outside of here) won't understand it.  Most of them are living in ignorant bliss of my "issues" and won't even begin to understand where I'm coming from. Okay maybe a few of them might get it, but most won't.  And that lack of insight, that not understand where I am coming from or the world of the major depressive leads to asking questions, wanting to talk it out, etc.  And I don't want to explain it. I don't want to hash out my feelings. I don't want to deal with their questions. 

For a few hours I just want to feel how I feel, guilt and worry free.  I just want to be sad and angry and irritable and frustrated. Bottling it up all the time just leads to major breakdowns and outbursts, and I don't want to be 'that person'.  So I thought, for just a few hours, I'd let myself feel how I feel, let the emotions take over and just be depressed for a while. I'm sick of fighting it and need to give in for a bit.  I just don't want to "come out" to the world as someone with depression. Guess I'm still fighting that stigma that everyone claims to be past when it comes to mental illness. And maybe it's a bit of shame on my part, or at least desire for privacy.  Whatever it is, it's holding me back from completely letting go, which might be a good thing; too bad it's also so incredibly frustrating.  

sorry, this probably doesn't make much sense...but it is what it is. 

work sure isn't what i thought it would be.

most of the time i love it, but that doesn't mean there aren't bad days.  watching people day isn't fun, but having a patient die on you, when you can't see the reason or can't do anything to help, completely sucks.  part of me can't wait til i'm more used to it, but then part of me never wants to get used to it.  

on top of all that, i'm just feeling a little down.  i think it's post-birthday blues.  my birthday, last sunday, was pretty awful.  my brother actually got me a gift this year :).  Too bad it's an action figure...whatever, it's the thought that counts.  I'm just bummed because my parents got me a magazine that they picked up at CVS.  I hate magazines. I'm so not a magazine girl, and my mom knows this.  So next time, save the $3.99 and don't get me anything.  I'd rather no gift than one that says, "I was at the store buying cigarettes and was feeling guilty for not getting you anything, so I grabbed the nearest item to me at the checkout".  I had to work on my birthday, and it was a rough shift.  So all the lack of a celebration with my family and work combined to not so fun day for me.  I did go out with a few friends for my birthday though.  Too bad my supposed best friend never responded to my texts or never even wished me a happy birthday. Way to go bud.  Okay, to be fair, he's a guy, and guys are idiots and they don't tend to think of those types of things, but still.  

Sorry. I'm feeling sorry for myself tonight and felt the need to whine.  My birthday wasn't that bad.  My preceptor at work brought me cupcakes :).  Besides I'm not a huge holiday person (unless it's Christmas, in which case I tend to go a bit overboard).