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im0ftheuniverse 
2:37pm, October 11, 2009
I feel all of these thoughts swirling around me, not just in my mind, but all through my body. I feel on edge, but I'm supposed to be going to bed now. If it would help I'd go do some wii sports boxing and just get it all out.. but that would probably just add to the adrenaline and crazy feeling like I'm moving really fast.
Edit: I'm pretty sure that I am manic for the first time right now. I feel invincible....
Earlier today my good friend from high school (whose birthday is today actually) was chatting about some stuff with me. We've been trying to keep up our friendship despite being far away and never really hanging out in a few years. So He's been there through a lot of my struggles and has been very supportive. Then today out of nowhere he pulled the most pathetic "hey, snap out of it" kind of things with me and what he said, implying that my ILLNESS is just some kind of a 'funk' I'm in.......... HELLO........
Sickening. Hurtful. Unintentional, yes - but so totally not cool. Just perpetuating these dinosaur social STIGMAS about seriously debilitating mental health problems.
So yes, part of me is fired up about that. Grr.
But then there's a part of me that feels energized and invigorated and strengthed by what he said. He does know me very well, and he said that -- and he said that I can be strong when I need to be.
I find that this is true... but it doesn't make too much sense. An example... when I know we're having people over to the house and it's a wreck...... I know they're coming. And I have time to do small tasks leading up to it... but it never happens that way. I wait til a day, an HOUR before they're here... and then go like CRAZY to clean up the house. I know I HAVE to do it, so I do it. But why can't I break it down into the smaller easier tasks, why can't I have the house look nice when no one's coming over.?..?...?.....
"You can be strong when you need to be" ...
What about right now? What about yesterday? What about the last TWO YEARS of my life? What about the last TEN? Where was the need to be strong? Where is that line?
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I just drank a mug of warm milk to try to calm down. And I took OutKast off my current playlist and exchanged it for some serious down tempo doom jazz.
im0ftheuniverse
Ah Bohren.
Was curious about why you'd write that message on the mirror yesterday, seemed a bit against the grain of the kind of message you'd want, but now I get it.
You aren't strong 'when you need to be', though. You are strong every day, hanging in there, waiting for your next appointment, seeking help online, patiently and bravely taking in each day even when few of them seem to hold much encouragement for you. I don't really know how else to tell you that your effort to stay on track and keep fighting is really inspiring, but it is. Crying doesn't make you not strong. Every day that you complete makes you strong. It doesn't matter what time you get up, it doesn't matter what you do all day (Jarod!). You're doing it. You reading this is proof enough of that.
ProFiction