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im0ftheuniverse 
2:37pm, October 11, 2009
I keep opening this up to type a new entry... but then I am at a loss for what to say. That, or I'm afraid of crying again by forcing myself to really think about my life right now.
I'm getting married to the man of my dreams in 24 days!
But I feel so shitty all the time, soooo much crying and staying in bed and just letting this depression take over everything. I don't know how to fight it right now.
I started seeing a new therapist, I go once a week. I asked her about how to get out of bed and stuff.. But she asked me if I was really sleeping or just laying/tossing and turning. Most of the time I am really sleeping... until 2pm sometimes. My therapist said that if I am actually SLEEPING and not toss/turn... then I shouldn't worry about it, that my body NEEDS that sleep. She said that all of my stress and anxiety is having these strong effects on my body and that it needs to recover and heal I guess... and this makes sense to me. So I'm trying not to let it bother me that I'm staying in bed so long, sleeping and dreaming.. and ignoring my alarms to get up and face the world.
It really sucks that I'm not being very productive, either... but in her words (therapist again, she's explaining a lot to me) it's like I am in first grade and learning how to do things. I have a fuckin college degree -- and for what!??! But I need to really rationalize her analogy here; I really am in first grade.. maybe even kindergarten......
I have another appointment tomorrow. I really want to play with play-doh. If I keep my hands busy it could work out some of my stress and emotions that way instead of using half a box of kleenex.
SHEEEESH I just want to feel bettterrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
No meds for awhile now. New meds doctor -- first available appointment is in November. It's not too far away I guess.. but I'm still trying to make some phone calls and see if I can get in anywhere else sooner than that. It'd be lovely to REALLY really enjoy my honeymoon with my love, to have the energy and freedom to go out and enjoy ourselves and dance and eat delicious things and everythinggg... we're going to New Orleans!
I need to go to bed... and I need to get up in time for my therapy appointment. Wish me luck.
Sorry to all my friends, I haven't been around in ages. When I feel terrible and hopeless I don't even try to reach out, but I want to thank the ones who have reached to me wondering where I've been. You da best.
