im0ftheuniverse's Journal

Dear DS and Friends,

 I have been feeling too awful to log in. I've let myself get behind in so many things. I don't have any energy to keep up with life. The med adjustment is probably not right for me, but I have another appointment in a few days, so I'm guessing I'll be trying something new soon. Yay. Another few months will probably go by before I see any changes.

So, what have I been up to?

Lots of staying in bed and doing nothing. Catching up on TV shows. Watching marathons of movies like ROCKY and Lord of the Rings. Reading articles. Playing Mario Kart Wii online with my brother.

I have avoided going to my (future) mother in laws for dinner because I was feeling too awful to go plus I knew I looked like shit. Neglected hygiene quite a bit these last weeks. Moreso than usual it seems. 

Didn't have the energy to cook, do dishes... not even to go grocery shopping. Let my beau do the laundry on his own. Haven't driven anywhere lately.

However, despite all the negative thoughts, attitude, my behavior and lack of actions, there has been some good in my life, too. ProFiction and I have been house-hunting for a couple of months. I always made sure I got dressed and got in the car to go look at houses with him. Every single time I made sure I could go. Once I even made a bowl of easy-mac and took it in the car. Oh yeah, did I mention how I'm not really eating? Just kind of ignoring or being numb to my hunger.

ANYWAYS. House-hunting.

I was motivated enough to create and print out a table of all of these categories with which to rate the houses we liked, from the "guts" of the house to any luxuries it may offer. I think I did this because my beau has been so weighed down by his anxiety over the whole process and a house we really liked but had some major flaws and issues. I made the table/rating system to use to point out the flaws as well as the perfections and try to ease his worries. After a few days he seemed to really become more calm and collected, and was finally letting go of his dream for the house that had the major issues. It was not a good house for first-time buyers like us.

...........But on Monday, we found one that is just perfect. It had an offer on it that the seller did not like, but we knew we had to act quickly to try to beat any others... Tuesday we met the seller (and the family -- the owner of the house died young from ovarian cancer, it was very sad). We worked out our offer and he accepted it... WE'RE BUYING A HOUSE!

I'm very excited about it, but at times, still so completely wrecked inside. Even as I type, and try to down some breakfast, I feel like crying. I'm choking here. I want to cancel my lunch appointment with my mom. I have to keep going. I know it will get better but it SUCKS just waiting. So I have been working on moving/packing checklists, to kind of mentally pack every room in the apartment, without doing any of the real work yet. We only have until the end of the month! 

Please pray for me. This has been so tough. I'm sorry to have abandoned my friends here. I have not been there for you like you all have been for me...