im0ftheuniverse's Journal

My mom called yesterday about coming over for lunch during her lunch break today. I said that it was okay but as soon as I hung up the phone I just crumbled and felt like it was a bad idea.

She left not too long ago and I wanted to write about it while it's fresh. 

She of course comes right in and sits down and within 2 minutes I'm crying. I'm almost uncontrollably crying. I actually told her too. I said, I don't want you coming over here for lunch every day just to talk about this [depression] and it feels like that's all you came to do... and she said I'm sorry and asked me to stop crying. I said, I can't, I can't stop.

She just kind of sat there and looked like she was going to leave. I was kind of terrified at the thought of her leaving. I almost wanted to pick up my chair and sit right next to her and have her hold me or something while I cried. But I sucked it up pretty quickly and finished eating my leftovers and as soon as I could speak without choking I changed the subject.

It's just that she starts right up with it, with how I'm feeling and if it's any different than last time we talked, and asked about the meds and why the doctor didn't increase it and told me about what she read on the internet and she printed out a page of the psych doctors close to her work office buildings, and on and on and on... and of course just reinforced yet again that I am the last thing she thinks about before she goes to sleep and the first thing she thinks about when she wakes up and she's constantly saying a prayer for me all the time and she keeps saying she wishes it was her not me.... AHHHHHHHHH SHUT UP

But at least I stood up to it this time and got it under control. I think I scared her with how strong I was able to be in that moment. I need to be proud of myself in that moment for doing what I always find so hard.