im0ftheuniverse's Journal

Yesterday I had a miniature meltdown. By the time I was ready to hit the hay for the night, my chest was tight, my belly was hurting, and my head was aching something awful. I really had trouble breathing and it was hard not to moan all the time.

The meltdown started much earlier in the day.

The football game was on the TV. We were both relaxing. Beau was sitting in the side chair as I had taken over the whole couch with shopping bags, gift tags, pens, scissors, ribbon, the whole lot of it... He caught a chill (as the temps were in the single digits outside and our poor apartment is struggling) so I went to grab him a blanket from the couch. Well, as I pulled it up and was starting to unfold it, I spilled a drink that was on the arm of the couch. It went alllll over the couch cushion, the covers we had sooo meticulously tried to fasten, and soaked through it all. In my haste to wipe it up with a kitchen rag, I hit the drink a SECOND TIME and it went the other way... Dribbling down to the floor, I think maybe the glass actually came down too... and of course this was only a foot or two from my stash of freshly, neatly wrapped presents. They got splattered. Ruined is a better word here.

I had to unwrap two of them and dry off and make do with the others. One of the completely ruined presents was one for my beau that I had been hiding in the kitchen for quite some time and actually went into the kitchen while he was distracted by the game....... le sigh.

I just lost control of everything and so many negative thoughts just completely exploded and dumped all over me. I was drowning in them and there wasn't anything I could do to calm down. I spent some time trying to clean things up, tears stinging my eyes... I dragged the couch covers to the washing machine but never ran it. I'm pretty sure I left the basement lights on the entire evening. I hid the present again. I left the others to be re-wrapped later. I just came right upstairs and got in the bed.

Eventually beau joined me and we napped for more than 2 hours. It was great but also terrible as neither of us heard our cellphones --- we were supposed to go to his mom's for dinner right after the game. Whoops. She drove over here to make sure we were alive. 

After the nap I still didn't feel like going anywhere. My negative thoughts really consisted of a lot of blaming myself, feeling ashamed, near hating myself, just being so disappointed, and being terrified of being with other people when I feel so down.

I'm now thinking about some things my old talk doctor said about pretending that everything's okay. I just kind of feel that all the pretending will drag me down even more. I don't know what to try. I want this week to go great since my brother is finally in town and there's still a lot of running around. blaaaahhh! I need so much help.

My negative thoughts just completely overcame me yesterday. How do I shut them out? How have I lost skills over these last months? Why do I feel so worthless? Why can't I finish anything? Why why why how how how...