im0ftheuniverse's Journal

SO here is a general update.

I don't even remember my mind and what was happening the last time I logged in.

SOOOO!!! First thing's first. My beau (ProFiction) and I are engaged!!!!!!! The main event took place a week ago yesterday. There was a knock on the door and a man was holding this HUGE display of flowers. The note said "I was just curious about something..." When I turned back around and set them down, he was on one knee! WEEEE!!!

Next item of great news. I had been uninsured for a couple of weeks since I finally ditched the most evil job evar. I already had my app in for medical assistance.... and a last Friday I finally received my notification that I am eligible! I did an online enrollment and I still have to call and make sure it's all set up.... but this means I can get prescriptions for a couple of dollars and go see the doctors again. YAYYYY!!!

Now here's where I don't feel so great.

My mom is still driving me super nuts.

I know where she's getting it... She feels so terrible that I'm suffering and she wants so badly to help and she wants it to be her instead of me and so on and craziness. So she tries to help in other ways, like trying to find me a job (which I'm not ready to do) and trying to clean up the apartment (still a big wreck but mostly because we now have two apartments' worth of stuff shoved into one) and do my dishes and clean everything --- and I can't let her do that. It's my stuff to clean, and it's my job to find (when I'm ready!!!!). So instead she buys me things. A few new tops, a pair of little shoes for the fall/winter with a good tread... and they're fuzzy and have a little bow on them... I like the shoes. BUT I wish she could just settle down.

The other half of that is how it makes me feel, the actual result of her intentions and wishes.

Every time she comes over here and talks about how messy it is and how much she wants to clean up, it makes me feel even more inadequate! It makes me have LESS energy and motivation to do the things I want and need to do. It makes me feel soo worthless, like I will never get it done and I will never be good enough. She doesn't seem to take notice of the things that I DO put the effort to clean up. I tried to show her, too, last time she came over. I said, yeah, the living room needs a lot of work... but I cleaned up the kitties' litter area and vacuumed it really well, and I organized and de-cluttered the ENTIRE bathroom, the shelves and racks and the sink area, and under the sink, and in the cabinet,..... AND I cleaned and disinfected the entire thing, too. She didn't care at all. As soon as she got upstairs, her attention swiveled to the bedroom! Clothes all over the place, the computer desk a big mess... Even more stuff for her to pick at! ARGHHH!!!!!

AND wait, there's more.

She keeps saying that my fiance shouldn't have to deal with this, not now, not in the 30-40, 60 years? of marriage ahead. She wants me to "get on my own feet" and feel completely better and perfect before we get married. She keeps saying that he can't deal with this and I don't know what this can do to a relationship. It just makes me so sad and frightened and worthless feeling! 

...and I told her.

She didn't take it all too well. I told her it makes me feel like crap! A comment for the reader... How would YOU feel if someone was telling you your relationship was doomed and you need to get better immediately and you're putting someone else through hell? So she cried (some MORE) and yada yada. Then called me the next day to apologize for upsetting me.

Whatever!

Get out of my hair, woman!

ANNNNND another update. I suck at these goals. I thought I was doing it alright by putting in a week-time-line goal. The whole week went by and I did SQUAT.

I decided to break it down into even smaller steps. In order to really make myself do this, I believe I need to do a daily goal. "Today is Wednesday. Today I will walk on the treadmill for 10 minutes." BAM. Then it's either 0% or 100% and there is no delaying or procrastinating, no wiggle room.

What a long post! I can't believe I've been away for so long.

P.S. I need to buy a bathroom scale.