im0ftheuniverse's Journal

I just switched meds, been on the zoloft less than 2 weeks.

I was informed my disability claim extension has been denied. I was told a letter was sent out that same day. That day I began typing up my appeal letter. It ended up being 27 pages. My beau faxed it for me.

This weekend I had a pretty good time with my brother! It was exhausting and at times I was in a lot of pain from walking/hips and back pain. And I missed my kitties a little... my parents took care of them.

When I got home from the trip, I finally spotted the letter about the disability claim denial. It came more than 2 weeks after I was told it was being mailed. The letter was very detailed about why my claim was denied. It described how they gathered information from the doctors' notes, including how I was planning on moving, getting engaged, possibily looking for another job, and that I planned on leaving my job. They said these things prove that I am capable of planning, dealing with people, using the computer and the phone... etc. They dumbed down my symptoms of depression to only "crying" and ignored the fact that I've been moving backwards, my meds have changed, and I have had increasing thoughts of suicide. They also made no mention of what I can only imagine my doctors wrote in there, i.e. I was moving because I can't afford my own place, and probably that one of my doctorshad written that she believed I would never be able to return to that specific job and advised me to look for a new one. These things were never mentioned.

So last night I got pretty upset.

A lot is going through my mind.

Fact

I am going to lose my job and my insurance very very soon.

Possibility

I might lose my job and my insurance by the end of the week.

I might march in there and quit anyway.

Fact

When I do quit, I will tell them straight up that there is no way in hell I could ever work for them because of the issues that stemmed from working there including the migraines I never had until working there, the crying, the worsening depression, and the fact that they have a very bad choice of disability company.

Possibility

I will probably not get any more paychecks through the disability benefits.

Fact

I cannot afford the doctor visits... the gas, the copayments, the prescriptions.

Fact

I did not feel this bad during the 7 years I had felt depressed in secret.

Fact

I am going to stop the meds and cancel all of my appointments. I don't care if my doctors advise me not to stop the meds and keep coming in. I will tell them I can't afford it and that it was their notes that were misinterpreted that caused this claim denial and me giving up that stupid job.

Fact

I am applying for welfare, for medical assistance and for food stamps.

Fact

I have NO IDEA what is going to happen and I am worrrrried.

I am such an idiot. I still can't work. Our apartment is a wreck. I haven't told my mom any of this yet because I'm scared. I don't know what's going to happen. I believe that I will be out of a job and insurance by the end of the week. I don't have a clue if I will be able to get medical assistance. I am so scared to be uninsured. I'm so scared to have to pay a lot of money to be covered if I don't get the medical assistance. I believe I can fight this shit my own way, without the meds and doctors, going back to how things used to be. All of this has really fucked me up and I hate it. During my last visit, my doctor told me to just "pretend" I'm okay and feeling fine. To play-act that I'm fine and everything is going great... I guess I'll try it out, but I think it will make me cry a lot more for quite some time.

Oh wellsies.