Fantonme's Journal

Well I had a bit of a melt down last night.  Nights seemed to be the hardest for me.  If I listen really closely I can still hear his monitor and the sound of him breathing and grunting.  I think the worst feeling is the sound of the house at night without him.  It just hurts so badly to know that I will never hold him again.  As I laid in my bed crying myself to sleep last night, I asked Joey to send me good dreams.  I wanted to see his face in my dreams.  Mind you that I hardly ever remember my dreams.  Well sure enough I had a dream last night that I was pregnant and going into labor.  It was the strangest thing.  I could almost feel the contractions.  During my dream I was absolutely positive that I was going to have a baby girl.  But after the baby was born, they told me it was a boy.  When the doctor brought me the baby to hold for the first time, I looked down and he looked identical to Joey.  I just held him and kissed him and cried.  Then I woke up.  It was so real that I still had tears in my eyes.