DRenS's Journal

I heard from one of my best friends the other day. I don't live in the same area as any of my friends anymore, and hopefully that will change soon. However, I think about several of them a lot, wanting to contact them. But then, I don't because there are certain things that I don't want to talk to them about but I know they will ask. For instance, the job thing. All my friends are the traditional definition of "successful" right now. And I've realized that I like to handle issues by myself.

Well...no, that's not correct--I am used to handling issues by myself. For whatever reason, I am and have always been the kind of person who gives support--I don't receive it. Even on DS, that's what I do, and I mentioned this recently on one of the lesbian groups. One post there was basically encouraging others to start posts/discussions. And there are so many things I could start posts about, but my experience in life just leads me to think "what's the point"...especially with anything/body GLBT. They have been the least supportive people/groups I've ever interacted with.

And my friends are all different kinds of people while being different from me, too. The friend who called me the other day is someone I do feel comfortable talking to about anything, but we're also such different people that she is never in the position to understand where I'm coming from from firsthand experience. And sometimes you just want to talk to people who can say, "Yep, I know exactly what you're talking about."

For some reason, this issue of handling everything on my own has been coming up a lot lately. My mother is the opposite of me. She is the kind of person whom when something is on her mind or going on in her life, she is going to talk and talk and talk and just doesn't even think about whether or not you want to listen to her, so she always has people to talk to. A lot of the time, I'm that person. Well, I can't remember right now how it happened, but the other day I told her that I would never talk to her about most of my issues. And she's the kind of person whose feelings get hurt by those kinds of comments. But this is probably where the fact that I'm used to relying on myself came from. She has just never been that supportive, understanding, sympathetic type but expects that from others. I don't necessarily see anyone in my family that way.

And then from there, it was dealing with "friends" who want to talk talk talk to you about their issues but "have to go" when you need to talk about yours or offer a quick "solution" and then want to move on. I have better friends now, but then there's just the issue of not truly understanding what you're saying to them because they haven't been there, just being used to doing things the way I do them and/or even being embarrassed. I mean, I can say I'm writing a book, but writing a book isn't bringing in any money yet and may not ever really do so. My friends are making good money right now. And I get the feeling that they, as well as just people in general in life, think asking questions about what's going on in your life shows caring and support. But sometimes for the person you're asking, it's like, "Great, now I have to try to make my life sound better than it is so I won't seem like a loser." And actually, with the friend I've written about having feelings for, I haven't talked to her in over a month now because every time we talk she asks me those questions I can't stand answering. Worse yet, if I tell her I'm writing a book, she's probably going to want to read some of it since she's into writing, too, and she has let me read some of her work. And this might sound weird, but I don't want anyone I know reading this book, haha!

But basically, when something's up with me, I just like to be left alone. I withdraw, which is exactly as I did when I was depressed, just much more severely then. Back then, I didn't want to talk to anyone, didn't want to see anyone and didn't even want to leave my room. Now, I do want to but just wish I could have the conversations go my way, I guess. The funny thing is the friend I've written about in other entries is just as much in limbo as I am in life, and I want to know how she's doing/what she's up to and support her. I've almost contacted her several times and think about it daily. Yet, this is exactly what I don't want done for me.