DRenS's Journal

I have this amazing friend whom I have not seen in a long time because we now live in different cities (though we stay in touch). My plan for months has been to go up for a visit, but seeing her was actually not my #1 reason for going. Now, I have liked her for over a year. Of course, she's straight and married, because...that's just how my love life goes. But she's such a great person, easily the best person I have ever had feelings for.

For the past couple days, I have been feeling like my feelings are, out of nowhere, just fading away. This is not normal for me. Usually, either someone else has to catch my attention, or the person whom I have feelings for has to show herself to be a complete @sshole. Neither of these things is the case here. And, yes, I have liked long-distance girls (and guys) before. Yes, I have liked people I couldn't be with. Those things have never changed anything. I have always been one of those people who loves hard and long.

I guess maybe the one thing that is different is--and I don't want any lip about this, hahahaha--I am heading towards, if not already there, really and truly giving up on love and relationships. It could be the distance; it could be my mentality; it could be knowing nothing will ever happen between us. It could be because I'm preoccupied with writing. Now, for years, I have felt like relationships are bullsh!t and love is not for me. And something horrible in that general area happened to me about two years ago, which I don't care to discuss with anyone ever, and I think it really just made something snap in my brain. Trust me, it's not a typical love-gone-wrong story; it's not the kind of thing you hear and say "well, that kind of thing happens to everybody." It has pushed me from being the average person who thinks relationships/love suck while they still hold out some hope to being the person who has "accepted" that I'm better off by myself and am destined for that. This thing happened just about a month and a half before I met my friend, though.

With my friend, she is the only person I have ever just enjoyed having feelings for, despite the circumstances. And I have felt more for her than anyone else, have put her on a pedestal more than anyone else, feel more comfortable with her than anyone else, trust her more than anyone else, etc. If she ever told me she wanted to be with me, I don't know what I'd do...I guess I feel like it'd make something so complicated that just is not complicated, for a change, because my crushes and relationships are always complicated. I feel that her being unavailable is 100% for the best. I just have a great friend, and I'm glad we're friends and I don't want anything happening between us that interferes with that. She has helped me so much in so many ways, so I know she is not like the jerk who "confirmed" what I think about relationships. I think we would have a great romantic relationship, if that were realistic. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me, she really is--I have never been luckier to have someone in my life.  

So now that my feelings seem to be going away, I actually feel sorry. I don't want to not like her. And that seems weird to say. I don't know what else to say--I don't want these feelings to go away. I guess I just feel like, "If I can't stay 'in love' with her, who on earth can I stay in love with???" And then that's what makes me think maybe it is my mentality as far as love that is the problem and the reason for my feelings changing. And there were times in the beginning when I wondered if I was confusing loving a friend as a friend for something more. But then, I have been there before, too--and it wasn't like this. I have wondered if I like her because she is "safe," not just in terms of being unavailable but knowing that she is so dependable and trustworthy. But when we've been together and when I think about her, I have not thought anything other than "this is the most amazing person I've ever met!" I don't think about how she would not hurt me. 

Now I don't really know what to expect when I go for a visit--will I feel anything again or not.